New Brunswick — At The Manatee, we get complaints from a variety of little babies who can’t take a joke on a daily basis. We know it’s hard work to read a story, decide what about it offended you, compose a witty post about it for social media, and write to us personally voicing your displeasure. So, as a favour to you, we’re taking care of that last step with this fill-in-the-blank complaint letter.
If you find yourself experiencing anger at one of our stories for any reason, just copy and paste everything that appears below in your word processor, replace the example text in brackets with your personalized issues, print, and mail it to our HR department at 123 Bite Me Lane, New Brunswick. We take your concerns very fucking seriously.
Dear [Mean person who’s not even funny]:
Normally I enjoy The Manatee, but on [date], I [read/heard about/glimpsed a headline of] a [story/article/cartoon] titled [headline of the offending story]. As someone who [has been told I’m funny/has a good sense of humour/is involved in comedy/is a writer/appreciates a good joke/has too much time on my hands] I know what I am talking about and this was [not funny/not satire/problematic/tone-deaf/in poor taste/not your best work/hurtful/lazy writing/just bad writing].
Unfortunately, your piece was not to my liking as [I’m a little whiner/I have exacting tastes/I get to decide what’s funny and what’s not/I have unreasonably high expectations of free satire sites] and because [the language was inappropriate/the writer poked fun at MY thing and that’s not OK/I want attention and the publication got attention instead of me].
Obviously, the person who wrote this is [generic but scathing stream of personal insults to the writer or editor I’ve never met and have no reason to dislike].
To resolve the problem, I would appreciate [a retraction of the story/the volunteer contributor being fired/a public apology/someone to listen to my pointless bitching and moaning/ someone to acknowledge that my opinion matters]. You do not want to lose me as a reader, as [one nobody’s griping will surely mean the demise of your publication/a teacher once told me I’m special/my mom thinks I’m cool].
Enclosed are [examples of other times you “missed the mark”/comments from my lemming-like friends who agree with my complaints].
I look forward to your reply and a resolution to my problem. I will wait [time limit] before [forgetting about it and moving on with my life like a grown-ass adult/finding something else on the internet to get mad at]. Please reply to my [hate mail/Facebook post/comment/tweet/message/this letter] at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
[Me, a tedious wuss]
I knew from the first sentence, this was written by Shauna. Your writing is so different from all the other Manatee writers.
I’m just going to take that as a compliment, lol.
Haha! I can’t resist!
Dear [Shauna Chase]:
Normally I enjoy The Manatee, but on [today], I [read] a [story/article/cartoon] titled [The Manatee makes fill-in-the-blank complaint letter for butthurt readers to print, mail in]. As someone who [has too much time on my hands] I know what I am talking about and this was [problematic].
Unfortunately, your piece was not to my liking as [I’m a little whiner who gets to decide what’s funny and what’s not and I have unreasonably high expectations of free satire sites] and because [I want attention and the publication got attention instead of me].
Obviously, the person who wrote this is [**&%##!!*&##@!**!!!].
To resolve the problem, I would appreciate [someone to listen to my pointless bitching and moaning and to acknowledge that my opinion matters]. You do not want to lose me as a reader, as [a teacher once told me I’m special].
Enclosed are [comments from my lemming-like friends who agree with my complaints].
I look forward to your reply and a resolution to my problem. I will wait [1 picosecond] before [finding something else on the internet to get mad at]. Please reply to my this letter] at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
[Me, a tedious wuss]
Haha, I appreciate the feedback!
Dear “Shauna” (your sp?? Hmm)
Normally I enjoy The Manatee, but after my fourth cup of coffee this morning I took the time away from my serious work to read the piece titled “form letter something something butthurt”. As someone who is too funny to ever actually get published, I know what I am talking about, and this was funny but wrong in an important aspect.
Unfortunately, your piece was not to my liking as (1) I’m a great BIG whiner and (2) it aroused my ever-vigilant pedantry, and also I do crave constant attention, and defiantly claim there’s nothing wrong with that.
Obviously, although the person who wrote this is hilarious and adorable, she has a profound gap in their knowledge of rodents. Another example of the failure of the educational system having long-term effects in the bustling and crowded world of local satire writing.
To resolve the problem, I would appreciate your taking a quick trip to Wikipedia to check the entry for the much-maligned lemming. You do not want to lose me as a reader, as nobody else is both committed enough AND dull enough to fact check the unimportant and non-comedic aspects of your articles.
I look forward to your reply and a resolution to this particular problem. I will wait until first lunchtime or so before reluctantly getting back to my actual job. Please reply to my desperate grope for attention disguised as a clever repartee at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Me, a tedious pedant
My favourite comment ever