New Brunswick — Remember last year when we all predicted that 2021 was going to be a better year? We even got rid of all of the pandemic restrictions in August, and Premier Higgs did that crazy chicken dance.
Then right afterward, Delta kicked the province right in the nards, and The Manatee stories kept coming true, and Omicron said, “Delta, hold my beer,” and on New Year’s Eve Blaine Higgs told us that he caught COVID?
Remember that? Wow, that was a crazy time.
Despite predicting none of those unbelievable events of 2021, The Manatee has resolved to show that we’ve learned nothing by making a whole new set of predictions. Behold, our top 12 predictions for 2022.
- Hunters start shooting deer with paintball rifles in a new “catch and release” trend.
- The strange substance falling from the sky causing frequent MacKay Highway traffic jams is finally identified. It was “rain.”
- The unvaccinated are barred from grocery stores because they go on like lunatics and keep scaring the teenagers at the cash register.
- Workplace productivity drops to an all-time low after “real pants” rules reintroduced.
- The Grand Manan ferry is replaced by a magical “Grand Manan Fairy,” who tells you about the good fishing spots while flying you gently across the Bay of Fundy.
- Man gets into car accident due to having his entire back window covered with “Rust Check” stickers.
- Kris Austin and the Official Languages Commissioner switch places after a Freaky Friday-type encounter.
- Moose with thumbs unexpectedly shoots hunter, screaming “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH?!”
- A long suspected connection between Magnetic Hill and Reversing Falls is finally revealed.
- Man wearing pyjamas to Costco has his amount of fucks given measured below zero for the first time ever.
- Public pools are closed for majority of 2022 due to record number of floating “accidents” from area children.
- Lunatic fringe finally admits that there was nothing wrong with the COVID-19 vaccine all along. “Whoopsie-doodle, that’s our bad,” they’ll say. “I guess we just got really carried away. Sorry about that!”