Theodore opts to sink himself rather than visit Saint John

Halifax — This coming Sunday was shaping up to be a sad one for Nova Scotia and a joyous one for New Brunswick, but now it’s just going to be shitty all around. Theodore Tugboat, from the popular 1990s children’s show, was being forced to leave his home of Halifax for the port city of Saint John; instead, he’s announced that he plans to sink himself.

“It was only going to be for the summer, but even that’s too much time to spend in Saint John,” the usually congenial tugboat told us. “When the Harbourmaster and Dispatcher told me I had to go to New Brunswick, I was devastated. What’s more, Haligonians and Saint Johners launched this nasty social media feud — over me! — that I simply want no part of.

“People were even accusing me of being a traitor! But I’m not that kind of tugboat.”

Theodore claims that although the Big City can sometimes give off a bit of an odour, the stink in Saint John is far worse.

“It’s not like that’s my only reason for doing this, but it doesn’t help. It’s like, pure toxic waste,” he said. “And the icing on the cake? Don Darling is obsessed with me or something. He keeps sending me fanmail and making elaborate plans for ‘things we can do together’ when I finally get to Saint John. Dude needs to get a life. It was creeping me out, to be honest.”

Theodore said although he’ll miss the many friends and fans he’s accrued over the years, it’s time to say goodbye.

“I’ve had a good run,” he expressed wistfully.

Just before press time, the tugboat was heading toward the Digby ferry route where he planned to capsize the ferry in hopes of saving others from having to go to Saint John as well.