Saint John — If you were to go into Google Maps and type in the words “Long Island, New Brunswick,” don’t be surprised to find a big, wet dick staring back at you.
(**Sorry, autocorrect. I meant to write “dick,” but my phone keeps changing it to “dick.” I had to submit this piece via my cell, because my laptop is on the fritz right now — just make sure you fix it before you post.)
At more than 150 metres, or 500 feet, there is no question — this is one big dick.
In fact, due to its immense size, the dick can only be seen in its entirety from an aircraft or online mapping service.
No, this is not a naturally occurring phenomenon. Instead, the dick was actually created in 1988 by the Irving-operated nonprofit Dicks Unlimited, a conservation organization dedicated to the preservation of wetlands and other dick habitats.
Arthur Irving’s Dick
After it was completed, the logo was dedicated to the organization’s then-president Arthur Irving, in honour of the businessman’s fondness for dicks and other wildlife indigenous to the province.
Now, more than three decades later, the organization is considering returning to the site to “clean the dick up a bit.”
“The dick’s head has grown over the years,” said Dicks Unlimited program director Arnold Capra. “So, right now, we’re looking at options for trimming off a briss at the top.”
A bit. I mean “a bit off the top.” I’m really sorry, guys. I swear, I’m never filing a story on my ducking phone again. Shit! The one ducking time I ever actually mean to type “dick,” and it writes dick. Duck! No, not dick — dick!
Ah, duck it.
A posse of crop-circle-making-manatee-lovers with some wooden planks and a saucy attitude could alter it enough to make it a giant dick visible from space, if you really wanted to make the story come to life.