Canada — Our country’s ubiquitous coffee chain has partnered with Post to launch a new breakfast cereal called “Timbits” that promises to bring the same quality customers have come to expect from Tim Hortons locations to grocery stores across Canada.
While the official flavours will be “chocolate glazed” and “birthday cake,” Tims reps admit that the so-called food contained in the box will taste more or less like the box itself.
“Our customers have always demonstrated a strong affinity for the flavour of cardboard — the coffee tastes like burnt cardboard that’s been run through the dishwasher a couple of times, after all — so we’re confident the Timbits cereal will fly off the shelves,” said Jessica Lowell, VP of Communications for Restaurants Brands International. “We’re basically just letting the cardboard flavours and aroma from the packaging seep into the tasteless cereal. We don’t need focus groups or surveys to tell us what we already know — cardboard sells.”
As with all changes to the Tims menu or services, customers are outraged.
“What’s with this cereal?? I don’t eat breakfast, except for maybe the odd sausage and egg muffin with a hashbrown!” cried Fredericton-based Tims patron Ronald Juniper. “But normally my breakfast consists of idling in the drive-thru line before work with a cigarette, then washing it down with an extra-large double-double. No way I’m buying cereal. I’m not some kinda granola hippie.”
Juniper seemed to be under the impression that “cereal” is synonymous with “healthy.” Our reporter corrected him, letting him know that the cereal with have no nutritional value, will taste like cardboard dipped in confectioner’s sugar, and will ensure he finally loses his legs to diabetes.
“Oh…well okay then…why didn’t you say that in the first place?” he asked warily. “I won’t rule it out, then. Hell, I’ll grab a few boxes when I’m at Superstore next. Does Superstore have a drive-thru yet?”
RBI claims that the cereal, while ultimately disgusting and pointless, will make a shit-load of money for the company, and will have the additional benefit of silencing the many complaints directed at Tim Hortons.
“Instead of dealing with the anger at the new design of the coffee lids, or our extremely negative environmental impact, we figure rolling out a weird new product should shut everyone up for a bit,” said Lowell with a shrug. “At least while they’re eating.”