Ottawa — In an emergency press conference on Friday, April 14, Minister of National Defence Harjit Sajjan revealed that, with the approval of the prime minister, the Canadian government will deploy the largest bong ever constructed that does not qualify as being a “lung.”
“Obviously, the use of a lung — whether constructed with a large garbage bag or even bag that contained bread or bagels — is a violation of the Geneva Convention and something this government is firmly against,” said Sajjan. “However, we cannot turn a blind eye to the degree of loudness, and sheer dankness that some of the world’s chronic has taken lately.”
Sajjan stressed that the M.O.A.B. would only be used in the most urgent circumstances, for instance, if one’s old roommate came back from British Colombia with especially mad sticky icky.
“The Canadian government is no longer going to take a soft stance… and so the following strains have been put on notice: Blueberry Hydro, Sheep’s Nightmare, Oxford Abbreviated Skunk and Panama Rainbow. To these aberrations we say that we will not hesitate to utilize the M.O.A.B.”
Marijuana Strategist Snoop Dogg believes that the announcement amounts to a show of force in the lead up to a wake-n’-bake with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.
“The North has been testing a number of aluminum products for doing blades and hasn’t shied away from testing lungs. In some tests, the smoke can reach as far as Hawaii or Japan.”