St. Stephen — At his Sept. 12 rally in North Carolina, Donald Trump announced candidates to fill two key positions in his possible administration.
“We need to start winning health folks, living longer — forever even — so I picked a winner for Surgeon General,” Trump bellowed. “I got us Martin Shkreli.”
After being unrepentant for overpricing the drug Thiola and committing fraud, Shkreli is widely accepted as the worst human being alive.
Following the announcement, Premier Brian Gallant expressed hope for the New Brunswick tourism industry at the prospect of a surge of Eastern Americans crossing the border for affordable medication. “I believe in being prepared,” said Gallant. “If Trump wins the election, I am prepared to support St. Stephen as it becomes the economic capital of New Brunswick.”
“I scouted another great pick for America,” Trump continued. “I asked SIRI how much battery I got left on my iPhone and she didn’t sugarcoat the answer… she tells it like it is, and I’m sick of people telling me I don’t value women so, guess what, SIRI will be my Secretary of Energy.”
Neither the offices of the Clinton campaign nor Apple CEO Tim Cook offered a comment about the announcements.
If Trump is elected, SIRI will be the first software interface to hold a United States cabinet position.