Cleveland — In a statement met with uproarious approval from Republican delegates, Donald Trump has proposed rounding up and deporting an estimated 60 million undocumented wild Pokémon presently at large in the United States.
While there is no clear evidence regarding the origin of the battling beasts, the Republican presidential candidate is asserting that they are illegal migrants from Canada. He says that they are a “cancer on American society” and they should be immediately deported back to border provinces including New Brunswick.
Under the proposed policy, a complete ban on new “Pokémon immigrants” would be enacted by executive order on the first day of the Trump presidency. At the same time, Immigration & Naturalization Service trainers will begin deploying millions of Pokéballs to capture and deport the elusive brawlers. The cost of the multi-year plan is estimated to be over $100 billion USD in total, and will continue until they “figure out what’s going on.”
Trump maintains that the influx of Canadian Pokémon is making America less safe. “They aren’t sending us their best and brightest — like legendaries and megas. They are sending us their Rattatas and Weedles. Basically they are sending their criminals, just like Team Rocket.
“If they start attacking, those Pokémon will leave people bleeding out their eyes and their wherevers.”
When asked what makes him think that America can just drive up to the Canadian border and drop off millions of Pokémon, the Republican nominee said, “Listen, we’ll just do it. Who’s going to stop us? Two mounted policeman and ‘Mr. Nice Hair’ Justin Trudeau? Puh-lease. It’s time to make America feared… I mean ‘respected’ again.”
Reaction to the plan is mixed. Former rival Ted Cruz refused to endorse it, while vice-presidential pick Mike Pence approved as long as two boy Pokémon didn’t share the same Pokéball. And, Melania Trump wants to know what Michelle Obama thinks.
Newt Gingrich was incredulous yet supportive saying, “It’s hard to believe that something with such tiny hands can be so dangerous.”
* With files from Emmersyn Rouse.