Trump warns ‘Canada goose caravans’ heading toward U.S. border

New Brunswick — In a startling and puzzling escalation of xenophobic rhetoric, President Donald Trump today vowed to take swift action against groups of unauthorized migrants streaming into the United States.

“It’s nothing less than an invasion,” warned Trump from Washington, D.C. “They are very, very bad. They have no jobs, no health care, no skills, no food and no place to live. They are crossing the border illegally just to feed off of us for who knows how long. And we are going to put a stop to it, I’m telling you that!”

The U.S. President isn’t referring to hungry Hondurans heading toward the lower border through Mexico though. This time, he’s giving the bird to the annual southern migration of Canada geese into the United States from New Brunswick. Trump says the freeloading foreign fowls are no longer welcome in U.S. airspace.

“These are very bad birds…criminals actually. They poop everywhere, that’s a criminal offence!” said the president gravely. “If you and I pooped everywhere we’d be in the slammer, but these birds just get a free pass from the Democrats.

“Remember that time they crashed a jet into the river? That’s terrorism! Hillary and Obama just let these criminals keep crossing illegally and did nothing! Well, not anymore!”

Trump announced a new branch of the military today called the “Bird Force.” The Bird Force will be a battalion of 1,000 bald eagles with effin’ machine guns attached to their backs because ‘MURICA! These eagles will be specially trained to seek and destroy any Canada geese within U.S. borders.

“The Bird Force is an important step in enhancing our national defence against these northern invaders,” said Trump. “And for those of you who are asking, yes I did think of it all by myself. How could you tell?”