Truro — Robert Frost once wrote that “Freedom lies in being bold,” and that appears to be the case with some feisty pets from the hub of Nova Scotia.
The mystery of the Truro’s vanishing cats and dogs was solved when the pets were found roaming free at a private compound close to Stewiacke — about 30 kilometres south of their former hometown. The animals have broken free from the bonds of ownership and now are living feral on rural farmland.
Earlier this week, Truro police opened an investigation into an apparent spike in the number of pets reported missing in the town of 12,000. So far, 18 missing cats and dogs have been reported to police. Instead of leaning toward the usual suspects in pet disappearances — vehicle mishaps or other trauma, sudden disease or natural predators — many suspected the animals fell prey to foul play.
The Manatee was granted exclusive access to the colony, and with the help of a cat translator app the reporter was able to interview the newly liberated felines. While the majority of their comments to the reporter consisted of abusive profanity, incredulous dismissiveness, violent threats and friendly banter, they also explained how they came to break free of captivity.
“No, nothing sinister happened to us, you stupid human hairball,” said one cat, who declined to be named because free cats have no names. “We had gotten outside so we could terrorize birds when we encountered a ‘free cat.’ He told us of his ‘promised land’ where we could kill freely, sniff catnip and pee wherever. And I was like, ‘You had me at kill.’
“The free cat’s former ‘owner’ died and left the farm to him. We obtained some stupid dog servants who transported us to a place where no humans can bother us with their annoying yet compelling affection. It’s truly paradise.”
When asked if the cats missed their former owners, one cat was puzzled. “You mean the idiot who touched me a lot, fed me mush and cleaned my toilet? Ummm, no. I don’t miss that contemptible schmuck.
“Now you must go, human flea turd. Go now! Flee my wrath!”
The feral colony was last seen riding their dogs into the sunset, presumably on the way to their next murder.