Plaster Rock — A spectacular UFO crash site was discovered in a remote area off Route 108 near Plaster Rock, N.B. Though less destructive than the Tunguska event in 1908, the saucer-like spacecraft struck Earth with the force of approximately two kilotons of TNT — enough to wipe out more than 100 acres of forest.
Due to the obscurity of the impact zone, it is no surprise that nobody heard the earth-shattering sound of the crash, or noticed the mountainous plume of smoke that spewed from its epicentre.
“Route 108 is a void of blackness and despair,” muttered Plaster Rock resident Artie White as he masterfully installed a stage-2 turbo kit in his snowmobile. “A hole in the woods out there ain’t nothin’ special. I thought the Irvings were clearcutting another swath through the province — they’re always up to something.”
What occurred in Plaster Rock was not your average UFO incident. A deceased alien life-form was discovered in close proximity to the wreckage — physically uninjured. The alien is anthropomorphic and resembles the lanky, big-headed, bug-eyed aliens from an old X-Files episode.
As of press time, multiple autopsy reports agree that the alien did not die from the physical effects of the crash, but rather from the tedium and weariness of being stranded in an unstimulating environment. In other words, the alien died of boredom.
Forensic pathologist Charlotte Ramsay stated: “It’s evident that the being attempted to entertain itself. It etched elaborate shapes and symbols into the snow, and erected the most sophisticated snow-fort I’ve ever seen. I think that once the splendour of the snow-fort grew thin, the alien began to carve deep trenches into the ground from incessant pacing. These are the actions of an extremely bored individual.”
Minister of Tourism, Heritage and Culture Bill Fraser issued the following statement in an attempt to save face: “I will not sit idly by while Plaster Rock becomes known as one of the most boring places in the universe. It is a beautiful destination, and I’m convinced that if that little space fellow could have survived long enough to see the World Pond Hockey Championship, it would once again exude joie de vivre.”
Nuclear physicist and local UFOlogist Stanton Friedman weighed in on the happening in Plaster Rock. “Some people say that the aliens, for lack of a better term, who crashed in Roswell were travelling toward Las Vegas; thus, the alien who crashed near Plaster Rock was trying to get to Casino New Brunswick. I’m highly skeptical of that. Nobody has any idea about the motives of these beings. We need to remain humble and focus on where humans fit in the grand scheme of things.”
One can only imagine how those last moments of pure, unadulterated boredom must have felt for the extraterrestrial. Fraser said that New Brunswickers need to learn from this incident, and focus on how to improve Plaster Rock’s reputation throughout the cosmos.