Ottawa — New Brunswickers are noticing this year that one of their favourite holiday treats has all but disappeared from the shelves of grocery and convenience stores. The Vachon-brand Yule log is a tradition for many in the province, and its sudden absence is forcing Maritimers to go without, or to travel to Quebec and purchase it there.
An investigative journalist from The Manatee uncovered the truth about the shortage over the weekend: the federal Liberal government has purchased and hoarded all Vachon cakes that would normally make their way to the East Coast, ensuring none end up in the already-chubby fingers of the residents of New Brunswick.
“OK, yes, you got me,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, over our weekly Skype call on Sunday. “I’m all for freedom of choice and personal independence, but have you seen the typical New Brunswicker? It’s just not healthy to be that fat. And frankly, that one tiny province is driving up the national obesity average and making us all look bad.
“So to that end, we’ve locked the cakes in a warehouse in Ottawa until we decide what to do with them. We may burn them for a cheap fuel source — who knows.”
But New Brunswickers will stop at nothing to get their mitts on the sugary, satisfying Vachon logs.
“It’s weird — people who won’t go to the gym once a week because it’s too much effort will book a hotel, take time off work, pack up the car and drive to Quebec to get this treat. The psychology of it is quite interesting,” said Carolyn Matheson, M.D., a family physician in the Moncton area.
“People just want what they can’t have. It’s not like it’s a traditional food for that many people around here, but as soon as New Brunswickers became aware of the cake shortage, they decided they simply couldn’t do Christmas without it.”
Matheson says she deals with a staggering number of families who are unhealthy and unwilling to change their ways.
“The child obesity rate is at 30 percent, and the adult obesity rate is almost at 70 percent. Isn’t that crazy?!” she exclaimed. “More and more I’m seeing people in their 20s with Type 2 Diabetes, or in their 30s having heart attacks. I don’t think taking away this one confectionery item is the solution, but it could be a good start.”
New Brunswickers, unsurprisingly, don’t care about their health.
“First they take our chocolate milk out of the schools, and now our Vachon log cakes. What’s next — Chicken Bones? Garlic fingers?” hollered Gordie Olsen of Miramichi. “Where does it end? Has Tru-dumb even tried one of these Vachon cakes? I bet he did, and he just friggen’ loved it, and now he’s hoarding them all for himself up in his castle, the greedy bastard.”
Editor’s note: We had not, in fact, revealed the federal government’s plan to Olsen at the time of the interview. He jumped to that conclusion entirely on his own.