New Brunswick — On Monday, Premier Blaine Higgs called an unconventional press conference in Fredericton, not revealing what the purpose of the meeting would be until reporters filed in at 9 a.m.
“Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming,” he said, plugging his computer into a small projector. “Last night, I received this message out of the blue, and I would like to field some suggestions for how to handle it.”
Opening a new tab on his browser, Higgs went to his Facebook messages, pulling up one that was sent to him at 1:32 a.m. the night before.
“Heyyyt, how1 is it goinbg? Sorry its so% late but i Miss U,” it read.
“It’s Winter,” said Higgs, looking over the room grimly. “She wants us to take her back.”
“We can’t!” cried CBC’s Scott Campbell. “We just got over her.”
“Yeah,” chimed in Huddle writer Alexis Palmer. “She was so unpredictable! Besides, she made us feel bad, like, all the time.”
“I know, I know,” said Higgs, unconvincingly. “We’re better without her. I know that.”
“There were some good times too, you guys,” said Elizabeth Tingly of The Brunswickan. “Remember Christmas?…Skiing?”
The room erupted into a loud, fervent debate for several minutes.
“I’m going to have call her,” said Higgs, finally, throwing up his hands in resignation. “I have to!”
“Don’t call her!” implored Stacy Vaughn, reporter for The Daily Gleaner. “She’s just going to try and suck you back in, like she always does.”
But it was too late. Higgs had already dialed the number.
“Yeah — Hi, Winter? It’s me, Blaine,” he said, once she had picked up. Her muffled voice was barely audible to the surrounding press.
“Listen,” he said firmly. “I want you to know that we have no regrets about the time we spent together — but it’s over.
“See, we’ve been seeing Spring for a few weeks now, and things have been going really well…”
Incomprehensible shouting could then be heard on the other end of the call. Higgs listened quietly, a dispirited look on his face.
“Okay,” he said, after a long while. “Okay…all right, bye.”
Higgs ended the call, scratched his forehead and looked down at his feet. There was a brief moment of silence as the press looked on expectantly.
“…We’re going to try it for a few more days,” he said sheepishly, “Just to see how things go.”
The room groaned.
Similar snow happened in Ottawa this morning, Tuesday. I don’t know who groaned louder, me or the neighbouring trees.