New Brunswick — Since early November, New Brunswick parents have been living in “the sweet spot” of the year where they are able to hold threats of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny over their children.
Parents can tell kids that these holiday characters are watching what they do, forcing them not to be totally miserable 100 percent of the time. But now, with Easter come and gone, many parents are left fearing the dominion their children will now hold over them.
“With Christmas so far away, I have nothing to hold over my children,” sighed Jessie Hayden of Burton. “It’s been great since the fall. If one of my kids was stepping out of line I could just resort to saying, ‘Ah ah ah, Santa is watching!’ or ‘You better put those drugs away or the Easter Bunny won’t come.’ I have no idea how I’m going to manage these two little heathens now. It’s not like they care about Canada Day or New Brunswick Day or anything.”
Hayden admitted that she has forgotten what actual parenting entails and is unsure whether she’s capable of disciplining her children without any looming holidays.
“Without threats, what do people do?” she asked. “I tried telling them that Jesus is always watching, but they came back at me with some remark about how he always forgives them — I didn’t have any response. If I don’t have something to hold over them that’ll make ’em behave, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll probably just increase their screen time to keep them distracted — or start drinking again, maybe.”
Marianne Hallabach, a 36-year-old mother of three from Fredericton, told our reporter that she has already come up with a plan to keep her children in line until closer to Christmas.
“I got them all iPhones for Easter,” she said proudly. “And no, not so they’ll stick their stupid faces in front of the phone, it’s so I can take it away from them when they’re being stupid jerks like their father. They don’t listen if I threaten to take away their food or clothes or visitations with their dad, but I’m pretty sure they’ll be upset if they can’t access their Instagram accounts.”
When our reporter questioned both Hallabach and Hayden about whether they’ve considered actually trying to teach their children the importance of listening to their parents and positively contributing to society, they both acted as though that wasn’t a viable option; neither hesitated to declare: “It’s not 1998 anymore.”