Fredericton — What started as a joke has inadvertently turned into something more serious between New Brunswick woman Valerie Kilburn and the endless parade of Christmas movies produced by Hallmark.
“Huh, they just keep churning this tripe out, eh,” said a scornful Kilburn at the beginning of her Hallmark film binge that started late last week and only wrapped up this morning. “I’ve never seen one but it looks like sentimental garbage. Let’s see what else is on.”
Kilburn began to flip through the channels until she landed back on the Women’s Network, which was showing a movie called Christmas Wishes & Mistletoe Kisses.
“I can’t believe people actually sit through this stuff!” she exclaimed, settling in on the couch with a glass of Pinot Grigio. “They’re all exactly the same! The plot doesn’t change, the actors look nearly identical, and somehow they’re always trying to get to Vermont for some reason but get snowed in and end up falling in love. There’s always a sleigh ride, too. How often do sleigh rides come up in real life?
“Or there will be a girl who literally runs into a love interest in her bicycle, or some historic town building is set to be torn down but a woman steps in to save it, and ends up meeting the love of her life, who just happens to be a sexy contractor. It’s all so contrived.”
As the weekend went on, though, Kilburn found it hard to maintain her steely resolve against the movies, and even teared up at one point during Christmas in Evergreen, Tidings of Joy. “I guess I just really related to the story,” said Kilburn, pulling up IMDB on her phone and reading the synopsis to the romance. “‘A skeptical writer shows up in Evergreen to get the scoop on the town’s famed passion for Christmas during a search for a long-lost time capsule.’ I like how Hallmark’s female characters are so fleshed out — like, who ever heard of a skeptical writer?? That’s a plot-twist on its own!”
At press time, Kilburn had called in sick to work to begin writing her own Hallmark movie script about a disenchanted young fashion photographer who has to find her Christmas spirit in time to create a holiday-themed magazine spread in her small town’s Christmas newsletter.