Woman killing it at keto diet looks like shit now

Saint John — New Brunswick woman Susan Lowell, 41, has been following the ultra-trendy “keto diet” and has been meeting all her weight-loss goals and more — but, according to witnesses, she looks like a haggard sack of shit now.

“She lost a ton of weight, but…man…to look at her you’d think she’d been partying all night for a month. Maybe it’s the six strips of bacon every morning or the sticks of straight butter with every meal? Who am I to judge, though…I’ve been a few pounds overweight since high school,” said Lowell’s best friend Gina Price. “She is looking thin, but her skin is sort of hanging off her bones and it has a yellowish tint that can’t be healthy.”

The ketogenic diet is a high-fat, adequate-protein, low-carb diet that forces the body to burn fat instead of carbohydrates. Critics say it’s not sustainable, it only makes the body lose water-weight, it causes constipation, it may actually hurt liver and kidney function in the long run, and may contribute to osteoporosis.

“She’s lost 20 pounds but it looks like she gained it all in her under-eye bags,” said Lowell’s husband Rick. “She says she feels 10 years younger, but she looks 10 years older. Maybe her kidneys are finally giving out.”

According to Rick, his wife’s personality has changed as well since starting the extreme diet.

“Part of it is fasting, and fasting doesn’t exactly put you in a great mood. She almost bit my head off the other day for asking her where the remote was.

“I suppose my head might be a good source of protein for her though,” he added with a forced laugh.

Lowell’s daughter Julie, 14, says her mother refuses to go outside or do anything physical.

“She was always kind of a couch potato but now she barely moves at all. I asked her to go for a walk the other day…she was just at her computer entering all her food and calories into a spreadsheet. She’s obsessed with what she’s eating. So Dad and I went without her…it probably gave her more time to talk about #keto with her crazy friends on the internet.”

Lowell’s co-worker Dave Killam said his office-mate used to have a youthful glow to her skin and a spring in her step.

“She was a bit chubby, but cute, and overall she was a happy person. Now she’s a mean, starved scarecrow. Ask anyone. We don’t invite her out for lunch or drinks anymore because she never shuts up about carbs.”

We wanted to interview Lowell, but just before press time she had broken her wrist trying to lift a large pat of butter and had to be rushed to the emergency room.