Mayor declares literally all activities in Fredericton during January, February part of FROSTival

Fredericton — Fredericton residents have for years enjoyed FROSTival, a winter festival involving ice sculptures, arts and crafts for sale, moonlit hikes, dogsledding, music, and other unrelated activities in a very loosely connected and seemingly disjointed series of events.

“Basically anything that happens in Fredericton between mid-January and Valentine’s Day, we call FROSTival,” said Mayor Mike O’Brien as he rushed down an ice slide clasping a mug of hot chocolate in his mittened hands. “Fredericton Tourism is doing such a stellar job with it that if I had my way, it would be all winter long.”

O’Brien has finally released the full, unabridged list of activities that constitute FROSTival. Should you find yourself engaged in any of these vocations or pastimes, you are — willingly or not — taking part in Fredericton Tourism’s master plan… uh… we mean… the most fun winter festival in the city.

• Skating on any Fredericton rinks
• Skiing or snowboarding at Crabbe Mountain
• Snowshoeing
• Sliding
• Fat-biking
• Cross-country skiing
• Creating an ice sculpture
• Throwing a snowball
• Catching snowflakes on your tongue
• Drinking hot chocolate
• Reading by the fire
• Shovelling the driveway
• Posting on Facebook about the latest storm
• Complaining about the weather to a neighbour
• Slipping on the ice and falling (FROSTival assumes no responsibility in the event of injury)
• Being unable to start your car because of the cold
• Receiving your NB Power bill
• Buying a lotto ticket
• Visiting the north side
• Waiting in line at Service New Brunswick
• Schools being cancelled
• Walking to work
• Catching a cold
• Passing a cold on to someone else
• Eating storm chips
• Being confused about Winterfest being part of FROSTival (if they are in fact one thing — we still aren’t sure)
• The Daily Gleaner being delivered late
• Celebrating Valentine’s Day in any way, shape or form
• Boycotting Valentine’s Day
• Walking your dog
• Fighting with your family
• Applying for E.I.
• Cleaning the litter box
• Drinking too much Alpine
• Not drinking enough Alpine
• Going to see a band
• Staying home to watch Netflix and chill
• Reading The Manatee