Fredericton — Cannabis NB says anyone who accuses them of incompetence and poor management is smoking the cheap stuff.
The Crown corporation revealed today that its recent announcement of 60 layoffs was due to one reason only — every downsized employee failed a random drug test.
“We have a zero-tolerance rule for drug use of any kind,” declared Cannabis NB CEO Harry Briman. “Since we started randomly drug screening our staff last week, almost every single employee tested failed spectacularly. And, according to the government HR guidelines from the 1980s, cannabis use of any kind is grounds for immediate dismissal.
“Frankly, I’m shocked to discover that a lot of our employees are apparently huge stoners,” Briman said, ostensibly dumbfounded. “How were we to know that people who wanted to be around weed all of the time liked to get high? It’s amazing to me really.”
The cannabis CEO vowed, “This move has nothing to do with the fact that we can’t get any product to sell, so our employees are just standing around staring at each other for most of the day. This is totally about strict adherence to an outdated and obscure policy that prohibits ‘reefer madness’ amongst civil servants.”
Briman disclosed that only one employee of the 61 randomly tested employees had no cannabis at all in their system. The Manatee learned through investigative reporting that the employee in question is 36-year-old Ryan Hoffman, who lives with his mom in Hammond River. When reached for comment, the possible-virgin weirdly said, “I just like the smell.”
“If things keep going the way they have been, we may do some more ‘random drug testing’ of our employees,” said Briman. “And, more dismissals are definitely possible.
“One thing we know for sure, they aren’t getting it from us!” he concluded.