Halifax — A young offender was arrested today and charged on 17 counts of theft and one count of resisting arrest.
Security camera footage revealed that the minor, age 9, was stealing toilet tissue from private residences over a period of several weeks. The youth had developed an unhealthy obsession with Royale toilet paper that led to a string of crimes throughout the Metro area.
The young offender was reported to police after showing up at the front doors of private residences and claiming that she needed to urgently use the washroom. Once indoors, the child would investigate the victims’ washrooms looking for the popular brand of Royale toilet tissue.
Due to mild lead poisoning, the young person suffered from vivid hallucinations. She would imagine that the rolls of toilet paper were “glowing” and the source of an immense and ancient power (see dramatization). As the “Chosen One,” she believed that she was mandated by the gods to build a toilet paper altar that would open a dimensional gateway to ancient spirit worlds. These primeval spirits would bring about the Rapture and the end of civilization.
Halifax Regional Police followed the young lady to her home, where several hundred rolls of Royale were discovered. Upon answering the door and seeing the police, she started to shriek, “You can’t take my power! You can’t take my power!”
The child flew at the officers, attacking like an aggressive spider-monkey. She was only subdued when a fast-thinking constable baited her into custody with a 36-roll jumbo package of Royale Velour.
The minor is presently being treated at the IWK and expected to make a full recovery.
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