Austin hoping election day as awesome as time he met English-speaking aliens

Austin hoping election day as awesome as time he met English-speaking aliens

New Brunswick — The day of reckoning is before us as New Brunswickers hit the polls to re-elect a Liberal government that they’re not too happy with or to elect a Conservative one that they also won’t be happy with.

The Manatee caught up with the party leaders early Monday morning to gauge their excitement, their expectations and what they have planned in case of victory.

“I’m going to party like it’s prom again and then start on all of those promises I made during the campaign,” said Premier Brian Gallant. “I’ve reserved a table for 20 at the Diplomat, I got Karine a corsage, Horsey is getting my favourite suit pressed and I’ve got the honeymoon suite booked at the Fredericton Inn — it’s going to be wild.”

Opposition Leader Blaine Higgs has a more subdued plan in place if he and his party gain power by the end of day.

“I’ll probably buy an extra Bingo card this week to celebrate, that’s for sure,” he said while sipping on a strawberry-flavoured Ensure drink. “Bingo night is awesome at the worst of times, so this week it will be just sublime. Then I’ll probably start picking which services I’m going to cut. Wait, I’m not going to cut services, that’s right. I meant to say that I’ll just wonder which services will retire the soonest.”

Green Party Leader David Coon told our reporter that he plans on “chilling out,” that he’s not worried about results and that he’ll simply be “living life and loving every part of it: the people, the places, the politics — all of it, dude.”

NDP Leader Jennifer McKenzie said she has no plans for today or tonight and seemed to forget that she or her party were even involved in the New Brunswick election — much like the rest of the province has.

The Manatee was also able to catch up with the leader of the province’s new KISS party to find out what they have planned if somehow the population goes crazy and elects Gerald Bourque.

“If I get elected ‘er not, I’ll be doin’ the same thing — shovellin’ bull crap,” quipped Bourgue while chewing on a piece of straw. “The only difference will be if I’m doin’ it on my farm or in the Legislature.”

One of the most intriguing stories to watch during Monday’s election will be that of the People’s Alliance, which has seen monumental gains over the last month and is projected to win at least one seat.

Kris Austin, the party’s loud and eccentric leader, said he has big expectations and is confident today may live up to the best and most exciting day of his life.

“This is going to surpass the time I was abducted by those English-speaking aliens!” he exclaimed, beaming with excitement. “There were four of them, they had a spaceship shaped like a giant hotdog and they all told me that one language, English, is the key to successful governing. But today is going to be even better than that!”

Austin went on to tell our reporter that he has a giant party planned for his victory celebration tonight and that he’s very much looking forward to his future of yelling into TV cameras over the next four years, if elected.

 

  1. Hmm don’t count Kris Austin out as the flake you portray him to be.

    Reply

Leave a Reply to Pete Cancel reply