New Brunswick — In an uncharacteristic concession, Premier Blaine Higgs has said he won’t rule out the possibility of allowing injection sites — but they won’t be safe.
“All these bleeding-heart groups want safe, supervised injection sites for degenerates to use their drugs. Well, I can’t get on board with that, but I will allow dangerous sites, to help teach these people a lesson.
“You want to shoot up? Well fine, but you can do it in a terrifying environment full of broken glass, used needles, open fires, toxic chemicals, wild rabid animals — you name it, if it’s a threat to safety, these sites will have it.”
Higgs explained that the sites would be modelled after a haunted house, with jump-scares and spooky frights lurking around every corner. Those seeking their “fix” will need to crawl through a treacherous obstacle course in the dark, and if they can reach the injection site at the end, they can use drugs. He says he will recruit fellow Conservatives to staff the sites, along with any others who agree with the scared-straight style of recovery.
“You can go to a Christian rehab centre, or you can have the living daylights scared out of you — those are your options, junkies!”
Currently, the only safe injection site is in Moncton. Advocates in Saint John and Fredericton have conveyed the need for similar operations in the other major New Brunswick cities, where overdose deaths have skyrocketed in recent years. They emphasize the need to keep people alive — and one way to do that for those who are unwilling or unable to complete a rehab program is to offer safe, supervised injection sites.
Higgs, however, claims he read some internet comments that convinced him the only way to recovery is through fear of God — or just fear itself.
“The issue is not as complex as people make it out to be. Drugs are drugs. I should know; I’ll admit I tried marijuana once, back in university. I had no problem quitting, so why should it be any different for anyone else?”
House photo used under Creative Commons license from Shane Gorski on Flickr