J.K. Irving dips his balls into St. John River

J.K. Irving dips his balls into St. John River

Saint John — Irving Pulp and Paper has been charged with 15 counts of environmentally unsound dumping into the St. John River. The incidents, all in violation of the federal Fisheries Act law against “tea-bagging in a manner that may compromise a viable ecosystem,” have been traced back to the actions of James K. Irving himself.

According to Margaret Kennith, vice-president of J.D. Irving, Ltd., the pulp mill is “currently compliant with all environmental laws.”

“The tea-baggings — which were all self-reported, we should add — occurred between June 2014 and August 2016 and it can be demonstrated that Mr. Irving could not help himself and circumstances were effectively out of his control.”

Bart Mathers of the Conservation Council of New Brunswick has said that the incidents have had a “deleterious” effect on the entire food chain of the St. John River and nearby estuary.

“Jimmy’s ballsack has had a deleterious effect on almost a dozen species of fish, algae, and the seagulls aren’t too happy either. We’re all feeling pretty deleterious right now.”

The minimum fine for violating the Fisheries Act tea-bagging law is $200,000. If found guilty, the minimum fine for all 15 recorded violations would be $3 million. J.K. Irving is estimated to have a net worth of $6.3B USD.

“Tea-bagging is an expensive hobby for our beloved owner,” Kennith elaborated. “He can only do it 10, max 20 times a year and still maintain his stature as an obscenely wealthy person.”

Irving Pulp and Paper will be back in court Jan. 30 to enter a plea to the tea-bagging charges. It is hoped by the company that citizens of Saint John and the surrounding area will not show up to the proceedings and pay little attention to its being reported in the media.

“Otherwise,” Kennith says, “it may have a deleterious effect on our already shaky defence.”

  1. […] It is alleged that between June 2014 and August 2016, J.K. Irving dipped his balls into the St. John…. Irving has plead not guilty to all charges. […]


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