Kris Austin releases official list of everything ‘too far left’

Fredericton — Just in time for Christmas, Public Safety Minister Kris Austin has unveiled his list, to be followed by all his loyal lemmings, of actions, people or services he considers “too far left” of his far-right Conservative viewpoint, and that should therefore be abolished.

Austin has been in the news this week for cancelling a state of emergency called by the town of St. Stephen, following the death of a homeless man who lost his life to the elements as various levels of government could not come to any consensus on how to shelter the unhoused. Austin also made callous remarks about the death, saying it doesn’t constitute an emergency. He called the state of emergency petty politics, he blamed Trudeau and, as usual, he offered no tangible solutions at all.

“The ‘too far left’ list is something I’ve been mulling for a while, and it’s time I shared it with the good people of New Brunswick. Think of it as though I’m Santa,” said the minister, “and this is the ‘not naughty enough and too nice list’ — there’s no political posturing here, I’m just calling it like it is.

“We can’t have these extreme leftists with their left-wing agendas harming our province.”

Austin presented our reporter with his hand-written list on a greasy Tim Hortons napkin:

• Anything to do with Trudeau
• Helping homeless people
• Mental health counselling
• Addictions recovery services
• Out-of-the-cold overnight shelters
• Using land for building anything but new jails
• Assisting low-income parents
• Food banks
• Seatbelts
• Soup kitchens
• Justin
• J.T.
• Workers’ compensation
• Welcoming refugees
• The colours green, orange and red
• Francophone communities
• The French language in general
• Planting trees
• Vehicles with two licence plates
• The Green Party (David Coon)
• Environmental protections of any kind
• Non-Irving companies
• Religions other than Christianity
• Maternity leave
• Access to abortion
• Employment insurance
• Charitable donations
• Universal basic income
• Most reporters
• Policy 713 / trans protections
• Helping old ladies across the street

The list continued across a few more napkins, but mainly devolved into more nicknames for Justin Trudeau, a sketch of a jacked-up truck with an upside-down Canadian flag flowing behind it, and a drawing of Jill Green surrounded by hearts.