Mother’s Day ends, kids return to being jerks for another year

New Brunswick — Mothers all over the province were celebrated for their tenacity, patience, love, support and so many other Hallmark-themed adjectives all day yesterday, and the children of those mothers couldn’t be happier that Mother’s Day is finally over.

“It was such a long day,” expressed Kelsey Holmes of Shediac. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, but an entire day seems a little much. I think we should look at making it like 3 to 5 hours in the future — not an entire day.”

Holmes said her day started with breakfast at the local Howard Johnson’s. “I got up super early to take my mother out for a nice continental breakfast; normally I’d never go anywhere before 11 a.m. on a Sunday. I got her a really thoughtful card on my way there from Circle K, paid for my half of breakfast, left the tip, and as if that wasn’t enough, I still had to go take her to my sister’s place for lunch. It was just exhausting.”

Holmes’s mother, Vanessa, wasn’t overly thrilled with her youngest daughter’s attempt at making the day special.

“I had to wait until 10 for her to get her butt out of bed,” she explained in annoyance. “Then she takes me to some dingy hotel that’s usually used only by hookers, makes me pay for my own breakfast — which wasn’t much of a breakfast, just some bagels, cereal and a do-it-yourself waffle bar. She got me some crappy card from the gas station that just said ‘Happy Mother’s Day.’ Finally we got out of that place and were able to get to Denise’s place for lunch where Kelsey had a stupid pouty-face on all afternoon.”

Denise Klein, the aforementioned eldest daughter, wasn’t a huge fan of celebrating with her mother either, and told our reporter that she’d rather have been enjoying her Sunday off.

“I only invited her over because I knew that Kelsey was taking her to breakfast so I had to do something — no way she’s getting ahead of me in the will,” she said. “All I really wanted to do was throw on my jammies and watch Coronation Street. But nooooo, I have to go through all this trouble just to make lunch for my mother — what has she ever done for me?”

“Lunch was another bust,” said a dismayed Holmes. “Macaroni casserole? Yay. These girls sure know how to roll out the red carpet for their mother, don’t they? All I’ve ever done for them is give them anything they’ve ever needed and raise them all by myself. But they couldn’t even splurge for some KFC or something?”

Wyatt Kennedy was another New Brunswick child who was forced to try and make his mother’s day by spoiling her with food, gifts and pleasantries on an overcast Sunday in Fredericton.

“My mom is cool and all, but I was supposed to play some ultimate Frisbee with the boys today,” he told Manatee reporters. “I took her to my favourite restaurant for breakfast, Burger King, bought her a beautiful necklace with my birthstone on it and spent the whole day — almost 3 and a half hours — telling her how great she is.”

Kennedy’s mother, Linda, refused to say anything negative about the day or about her son and simply told our reporter that “he’s a good boy.”

Mothers all over Canada’s Picture Province were disappointed throughout the day as their children continued to fall short of their expectations. Homemade cards, flowers and cheap jewelry from Walmart were among the most popular of unappreciated gifts given on Sunday, and children are thrilled that they don’t have to go through the agonizing task of trying to please their mothers for another year.

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