New Brunswick — In an announcement that came as no surprise to anyone, NB Power has revealed that, this winter, their rates are set to increase to whatever they feel like on any given month.
“It’s the beauty of a monopoly,” said Sandra Madge of NB Power’s energy efficiency services division. “In essence, we can screw you all over, and you can deal with it. Move to another province if you don’t like it.
“Oh, and I totally forgot — as of October, we’re offering a heat pump rebate program, so that should be consolation enough for any of you losers who thought about complaining.”
That point-of-sale rebate of $500 will apply only to homeowners who purchase a qualifying model through a designated contractor during a specified time range. “What, did you think it would be for everyone? Give me a break!” exclaimed Madge with an incredulous laugh.
The provincial Energy and Utilities Board has pre-approved any price hikes for the next year or two. “NB Power has steamrolled us into submission,” admitted weary EUB employee Brent MacIntyre, clearing out his desk at their head office. “They used to actually take the time to apply for increases, but it’s just gotten to be too much of a hassle for us to fight with them. I give up — let them charge whatever they want. I’m going back to wood heating… and by that I mean I’m moving to the woods and getting off the grid entirely.”
Saint John Energy representatives have been keeping mum on whether they plan a similar free-for-all price spike, though anonymous sources have let it slip to The Manatee that the small municipal power provider is waiting to see whether NB Power just absorbs them. “We try to stay out of their way as much as possible,” said one source. “Lately I think we might be on their radar, though, so who knows what evil tricks they have in store for the people of Saint John.”
NB Power is optimistic about their future in New Brunswick. “Our New Year’s resolution this year was to be more spontaneous — you know, not get weighed down by little things like rules and regulations,” said Madge. “We’re really trying to live in the moment, and to charge customers accordingly. Each month’s power bill will bring a new surprise.”