New Brunswick — In an act that should be described as nothing less than pure genius, Premier Brian Gallant has issued a plan to strengthen the province’s policing without overspending by even a single dollar.
The plan? Rather than spend any extra money on RCMP officers or surveillance equipment, Gallant is mandating that provincial car dealerships increase their inventory of cars that look like police cars by 200 percent. Gallant told reporters Friday morning that after conducting an internal study, he found that cars that look like police cars are just as effective at preventing crime as actual police are.
“I had Stevie look into it,” Gallant clarified when asked about his research. “He drove around the province for a couple of weeks in a white sedan and just watched people’s reactions as he drove by — it was super scientific.”
Gallant continued to detail the driving habits that Deputy Premier Stephen Horsman noticed while conducting his study.
“Every time someone saw his car they immediately put their hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel,” he said. “And we all know that’s one of the pillars of driver safety. Pretty much every driver slowed down to the speed limit, they immediately took their phones away from their faces, and Stevie noted that 13 drivers threw a bottle of booze out of their window once they saw his car — they can’t get caught drinking and driving if they throw their beer away.”
The Manatee asked the premier how he planned on forcing these cars into circulation.
“Tax breaks,” he fired back with a smile that could probably bring a cold, dead heart back to life. “We hike the taxes on all other cars and offer slight cuts for anyone who buys a government-approved police car lookalike — I’ve thought of everything on this one.”
Gallant claimed it’s not only driving crimes that this plan will curb, either.
“Picture this: your child is walking home from school and is confronted by a drug dealer trying to sell your precious little Johnny or Jenny an eight ball or dime bag, or whatever drugs are called, and for a second, your kid is contemplating buying those drugs. Then, out of nowhere comes a car looking like ‘the heat’ and boom! The drug dealer closes up his trench coat and the drug deal is averted — another child saved by Brian Gallant! Way to go Bri, way to go.”
Our reporter spoke with salesmen at Fredericton’s Huggable Car Dealership, Jim Gilbert’s Wheels and Deals, about the proposed mandate, and found they were in total support of the premier’s plan.
“No problem at all,” cheered salesman Davie Willis. “We’ve got your cop cars here. We’ve got full-sized cop cars, mid-sized cop cars, compact cop cars, hybrid, fuel-efficient, gas-guzzlers, we’ve got new cop cars, old cop cars, gently used cop cars that will offer you the accommodations you require with the low, low price that you desire. We’re not copping out with our offers here at Jim Gilbert’s.”
The mandate is set to be in place by June 1.