Fredericton — New Brunswick Minister of Health Bruce Fitch announced today that in an attempt to reduce the drain on government resources, the government’s latest advice to the public is to no longer practice any infection control.
“We should look at the current health care crisis as an opportunity to knock off a few useless members of society — the unemployed, the underhoused, old people — reducing their financial drain on the system,” said Minister Fitch.
When The Manatee asked about the ethics of not protecting the elderly, Kris Austin, Minister of Public Safety, the guy responsible for the safety of the same population who would be affected by the variety of infections, said, “Well, come on now. We all know that old people and homeless people are drains on the taxpayer, and if encouraging people to cough on each other like they are a typical person from Saint John knocks off people who are sucking money out of pension funds, opens up more nursing home beds, frees up beds at homeless shelters, and allows the government to pay out less welfare, isn’t that safer for everyone?
“Besides, doesn’t everyone hate the smell of old people? What? Just me?”
When an official complaint was launched with Public Health NB, spokesperson Pika Yernosa said, “Look, a recent study showed that the average New Brunswicker already generally doesn’t wash their hands after pooping, so I’m not sure we could successfully encourage New Brunswickers to be even more gross about hygiene than they already are.”
“Let’s face it, this demographic makes up only 50 per cent of the population but is responsible for 95 per cent of the costs,” added Premier Blaine Higgs. “If a few old geezers and smelly street people get knocked off by the flu or COVID-19, that would free up plenty of money to give to someone more deserving, like the Irving family.”