Central Hainesville — In a turn of events that could only happen in New Brunswick, Crabbe Mountain, a popular ski hill in the province, has announced an ingenious plan to combat the climate change-induced winter dilemma of insufficient snow and a disappointingly short ski season.
Crabbe Mountain’s management has declared their intention to dump vast quantities of grease on the slopes, transforming the icy inclines into a slippery spectacle that will make ski enthusiasts slide into excitement.
After extensive research (googling “how to make grass slippery”) manager Jeff Winstrom passionately explained the logic behind the plan during a press conference held at the mountain’s newly renovated lodge.
“Let’s face it, winter in New Brunswick can be a bit stingy with the snow, especially in the last few years. We’ve all experienced that heart-wrenching disappointment when you plan a ski trip, only to find the slopes resembling a barren wasteland. Well, we’re here to change that narrative. Grease is the answer! It’s abundant, cost-effective, and, most importantly, incredibly slippery.
“Imagine gliding down the slopes with the grace of an Olympic figure skater, only with more snow pants and fewer sequins. It’s a win-win!”
Our reporter inquired as to where the hill will source the grease.
“That’s a resource that’s not exactly in short supply in New Brunswick,” said Winstrom. “Tim Hortons locations in the area are going to let us have the leftover hashbrown grease for free, once it’s too dirty to use for cooking purposes. There’s also butter that Superstore throws out since no one can afford to buy it, so we’ll do some dumpster diving for that.
“We’re even considering asking skiers and snowboarders to bring their own grease, for a slightly discounted lift ticket.”
The announcement has left the local skiing community divided, with some embracing the slippery innovation and others expressing concerns about safety. One avid skier, Sally Allen, said, “I’ve been dreaming of a year-round ski season, but this feels a bit too slippery for my taste. I don’t want to be performing unintentional triple axels on a mountain covered in grease. If I break my limbs, what am I supposed to do? Go wait three days in the ER?”
Undeterred by the naysayers, Crabbe Mountain has already begun preparations for the grand grease unveiling. A team of highly trained grease technicians, equipped with state-of-the-art butter churners, is working tirelessly to ensure that every square inch of the mountain is coated in a lubricating layer of winter magic, locally sourced from the deep fryers in the lodge’s kitchen.
To address safety concerns, Crabbe Mountain has introduced a mandatory “Grease-Ready” training program for all skiers. Participants will be taught essential skills such as advanced sliding techniques, grease-resistant clothing fashion tips, and the art of gracefully recovering from a grease-induced wipeout. Those who complete the program will be awarded a prestigious certificate and a commemorative bottle of fryer grease leftover from the Crabbe poutines (A.K.A. “fix”).
The practical implications of navigating greased slopes and the effectiveness of mandatory training programs will likely become clearer as the mountain’s unique venture unfolds. For now, New Brunswick residents are bracing themselves for a winter experience that defies tradition and promises both excitement and challenges on the slippery slopes of Crabbe Mountain.