Dietitian who says school nutrition policy ‘can work’ is promptly eaten alive by students

Dietitian who says school nutrition policy ‘can work’ is promptly eaten alive by students

Fredericton — It’s been just one week since the children of New Brunswick have returned to their classrooms, and already, teachers and parents are noticing several problems with the new governmental nutrition policy.

One of the more controversial aspects of the policy states that schools are no longer permitted to sell chocolate milk or juice to the children. Students at Montgomery Street School, however, have quickly found a passable alternative…their own plasma.

“All week, kids were picking at scabs on their arms and sucking their own blood,” said third-grade teacher Greg Healy, winkling his nose. “It was disgusting. They’d do it early in the day, while their blood-sugar was still spiking from their morning Froot Loops.”

It didn’t take long for the children to develop a taste for blood.

“After that, there was no stopping them,” said school principal Victoria Cormier. “Kids were sent to my office every day for this or that — killing squirrels, pricking each other with needles…We hadn’t seen anything like this since Twilight was popular.”

That’s when the district office made a call to the local dietitian.

Her name was Sandra Racette, a recent UNB graduate of 23. This was to be her first real role since starting the position, and, nervous, she had assiduously prepared the night before, creating visual diagrams to support her arguments that she hoped with both engage and entertain the children.

“OK guys,” she began, plugging her laptop into the gym projector. “I’m here today to talk to you about healthy eating decisions, and why a carrot stick can be just as tasty as a…as a…uh…”

She stopped talking after noticing a small, freckled kindergartner nibbling her forearm. She gently shooed him away, but lost her train of thought. “After…uh…After a short transitional period, you’ll um, find that–”

Suddenly, a three-foot shape sideswiped her from the stage, tackling her to the ground. Instantly, the students were on her like a pack of rats — dozens of children scurrying over one another to get a piece of their writhing prey.

“MY EYES!!!! DEAR GOD, MY EYES!” she screamed, as bits of flesh were tossed into the air. A liver, a finger, the small intestine…A second-grader lost a baby tooth biting into a major artery, sending blood spurting across the room and drenching the faces of the feeding children.

Still, they gnawed on, their features obscured by dripping layers of red. All that was visible beyond their gnashing teeth were their round, crazed eyes.

With her final, dying breath, the dietitian raised a trembling hand and cried out.

“Why, Gallant? Whyyyyyyy….”

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