Fredericton — Smack dab in the middle of a hot and sunny New Brunswick Day weekend, Premier Brian Gallant had an idea: to make washer toss the official sport of the Picture Province.
Oblivious to the facts that no other province has an official sport and that washer toss is not a sport, a sunburnt Gallant announced his plan at a press conference held in Officers’ Square on Tuesday morning.
“First off, I just want to say that I had, like, the best weekend ever,” said our sweaty premier. “I went tubing on the Nashwaak, visited some family up in Miramichi, and ate so much ice cream I thought my sides would split.”
Noticing the eye-rolls and sighs of the members of the press, Gallant honed in on his point.
“Anyway, enough about my awesome weekend — on to the main issue: washer toss. I had never even heard of this game until I went to my old buddy’s camp yesterday with a few of the better cabinet ministers. Everyone started playing, and after one round I was hooked.”
Washer toss is a simple game where individuals or teams toss washers a short distance (21′), aiming for the opponents’ wooden box. Points are tallied based on whether the washer lands in the box or the cup contained within it.
“The best part is that it’s so easy, almost anyone can do it; you don’t have to be smart, athletic, resourceful, popular, talented, educated — you just need a functional throwing arm,” Gallant went on. “You can even do it while holding a beer or a hotdog in your other hand, so there’s no excuse to sit the game out.”
Gallant claimed that one game of washer toss could potentially count for more physical activity than the average New Brunswicker does in a given week. “Even if they’re only moving their arm every few minutes, it’s better than nothing, right? Think of the dent it’ll make in healthcare costs! It’ll get more New Brunswickers outside than Pokémon Go.”
A skeptical reporter in attendance scrutinized Gallant, saying he is so gung-ho about washers only because the game is so cheap to produce. “Oh come on,” retorted Gallant. “What’s wrong with saving the taxpayers some money for once? Everyone’s a critic, amirite?”
Another reporter said that the game washer toss is nothing new, and that “of course, New Brunswick is 10 years behind the curve yet again.” Gallant did not hear this comment, or pretended not to.
While it was not discussed this morning, there is speculation that Gallant plans to add a simple image of a washer toss game to the New Brunswick flag by 2017.
To say N.B. is behind on this game is false,because I have been making them since 1990 and now am the supplier for the World Washer Toss Championship.
You understand that the manatee is satire, a joke, right?
[…] Brian Gallant held what can only be described as one of his most bizarre press conferences to date (and yes, there is stiff competition for that title), announcing that he wouldn’t rule out a full […]