New Brunswick — The housing crisis in New Brunswick has reached a new desperation. Prices have increased by an average of 38% for a one-bedroom apartment since 2018. A once nicely renovated, pet-friendly apartment for $725 has turned into a mould-infested, frozen-piped, $1,000 hell-hole that you can’t get into without Dale stopping you to ask for a cigarette.
We reached out to Premier Blaine Higgs for an interview. He was seated on his pristine, black leather office chair sipping a Starbucks latte.
“Get over it!” Higgs said, in the comfort of his mansion and estimated $7 million net worth. “It’s been proven that I’ve had the most financial restraint of any premier,” he added. “Why do you think that is? I gave you a five cent raise on minimum wage, I don’t know what else you want me to do.”
Higgs added that the reason for the housing crisis isn’t inflation or one of the lowest minimum wage rates in the country, it’s simply because, “Kids don’t want to work nowadays. You all want to sit and play on your Game Boy Nintendos. Get a job like the rest of us!”
Higgs waved off our interviewer, indicating he was finished as he began packing for his next vacation.
It appears as though a few solutions for the crisis are to get rid of your pet (yes, even your goldfish, as they cause irreparable damage to apartments), sell your car since nobody has parking, stop buying expensive coffees in order to save for a down payment and, of course, get a real job.
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