New Brunswick — The Manatee is proud to present an article by Brooke Richards of Miramichi Valley High School’s Writing 110 class, which is doing a module on satire taught by Mrs. Krista Cabel.
“She tried to open the refrigerator, but her arms wouldn’t move; they just hung at her sides,” said a worried Saint John mother of 15-year-old daughter, Becky. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” agreed her husband, a look of concern permanently pasted to his face. “We went shopping last weekend,” began Becky’s younger sister, “and Becky saw a top that had a picture of One Direction on the front, but when she went to take it off of the rack, she just froze.”
Becky’s mother said that these episodes usually commence by Becky exclaiming “O.M.G” slowly and quietly under her breath, followed by the sentence “I literally just can’t” or “I can’t even right now.” Becky’s mother explained that the 2 alternate.
An exasperated Becky said she’s tired of the endless visits to the family doctor, and that it’s not her fault that she can’t. Her parents are sympathetic despite their frustration, because they “know it’s not her fault; she’s a victim of her disorder.” Her doctor has labelled it “I.R.J.C.R.N.D.” (I Really Just Can’t Right Now Disorder), explaining that the condition is spreading rapidly throughout the nation, mainly in Caucasian teenage females and gay males. He said that symptoms include an abnormal bond with the Apple iPhone device, as well as dependencies on the Ugg boot, Starbucks frappucinos and Instagram.
The doctor admitted that he did not know whether the symptoms were related. Becky’s family and friends informed us that this has become a real obstacle in her life, as she “just can’t” do much of anything anymore. “Her grades are slipping,” said Becky’s school teacher, somberly. “She can’t even pick up her pencil sometimes.”
Becky’s parents say that she “can’t even” when her emotions are most heightened: when she’s really upset or excited. “We often have to calm her down with vanilla-scented candles or a drive to the mall,” they explained. Her teacher said that as a result of her unique learning program, Becky is permitted to hold her iPhone during class time. “It relaxes her,” she told us.
Becky’s boyfriend didn’t have much to comment. “She don’t look any different to me,” he offered weakly. Becky then hugged him and thanked him for his support.
Studies show that this behaviour is most prominent during fall.