Atlantic Canada — Here on Canada’s East Coast, there is literally nothing more important than ensuring your friends and family believe you to be politically correct, and that’s no easy task during this demanding and stressful time of year.
Fortunately for you, we at The Manatee have compiled a helpful list of ways to remain as PC as possible this holiday season.
- Refrain from using the word “Christmas”: Saying or even thinking this harmful word alienates other religions as well as the non-religious. If someone gives you a card reading “Merry Christmas,” simply tell them you only accept “Holiday Greetings”; if you are invited to a Christmas party, decline, then stay home and write a letter to your local MP about what they can do to eliminate this word from your jurisdiction.
- Say no to gingerbread men: Gingerbread men are an outdated offensive tradition. In today’s modern world, who says they have to be men? Even classifying them in a binary system is ludicrous. Yesterday’s gingerbread men are today’s gluten-free spiced gender-fluid confectionery citizens.
- Reconsider the turkey dinner: We all know killing any animal, humanely or otherwise, is an atrocity — even one as hideously ugly, completely stupid and downright mean as the turkey. So this year try soaking quinoa in pure mineral water for about a week until you can shape it into some sort of turkey-resembling loaf. Of course it will taste awful, but you will rest easy with a clear conscience… right up until the terrible moment at around 3 a.m. when the loaf hits your large intestine and you spend the following 4 hours in the bathroom.
- Do not purchase a Terry’s Chocolate Orange: This sugary snack promotes violence. If someone gives you one as a gift, do not “whack and unwrap.” Simply place the orange in a cool, comfortable place and wait for it to come out of its packaging when it is ready to do so. If it never comes out, you must respect its choice. Bonus points if you complain about a grocery store that carries this product so management is forced to apologize and recall it.
- No more tree: This one should be obvious; firstly, cutting down a tree — even one grown for this sole purpose — bears ill will toward the tree in question; secondly, plastic trees only fund the earth-killing petroleum industry. Instead of buying gifts (thus encouraging consumerism), donate to charities in your friends’ and family’s names so you don’t even need a tree to put presents under. Will your relatives be annoyed? Yes. But realistically, they will still buy you the latest and greatest items you shrilly demanded months ago, so you can relax.
- Mistletoe can be thorny: We know that you PC folks love to have fun and to laugh, but hanging mistletoe is not a lighthearted tradition. If you choose to place it above a doorway in your home, be sure to print several consent forms for guests to sign upon entering so they can be aware of its controversial presence, and make an informed decision about whether they truly wish to attend this party.
- Santa must be ethnically ambiguous: Santa Claus is treading the line of offensive as it is (he’s male, he’s at an unhealthy weight, and he sneaks into homes uninvited at night — this combination is fraught with problems), but allowing a white Santa makes you no better than the evil corporation who created him. Attend your local Santa Claus parade and throw eggs at the man playing Santa if he ends up being white. Lord knows he probably loves dairy and animals products, so just explain this to any officer who tries to arrest you. Any sensible cop will understand that because you’re the most offended, you are also the most right.
- Cut “Santa Baby” from the playlist: This dated and sexist holiday tune probably composed by The Patriarchy posits that women are materialists who only love furs and cars, and not only that, but insinuates that men need to give these luxury items to women. Um, excuse me, but I think women can earn their own keep — it’s 2016. And some women do not desire diamond rings mined with the blood of slaves.
- Think long and hard about that pesky shelf elf: If you are a parent, you have some tough choices to make concerning the popular Elf on the Shelf trend. We already know that the shelf elf’s thinness promotes unrealistic appearance standards and body-shames kids, but what you may not have noticed is that the elf is always smiling, no matter the unseemly position parents place it in. If you choose to use the elf, remind kids that it’s OK to be sad during the holidays, and smiling is always optional.
- Create a newer, truer meaning of the holidays: This time of year should no longer be about spreading cheer and love, but should focus on promoting your social and political agenda. Have heated arguments with all your relatives about the gender wage gap, that gorilla that was killed a few months back, Donald Trump — whatever. This is also the perfect time to berate your 95-year-old grandfather’s worldview. Yes, he fought in World War 2 and you haven’t yet moved out of your mother’s house, but you know better because you are midway through a degree in sociology.
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