Fredericton — Loblaw stores across the country are rebranding as airport kiosks, cafés, lounges and convenience stores in an effort to make prices at least artificially match the value of the products for sale.
“We’re ‘piloting’ the project — pardon the pun — here in New Brunswick, where people are already too downtrodden and hopeless to bother putting up much of a fuss,” said a spokesman who would only identify himself by the initials G.W.
“Superstores will be called ‘Gate 2 Gate Grocery’; Shoppers Drug Marts will henceforth be known as ‘Pilot’s Pharmacy’; NoFrills will be ‘NoFly’ and so on.
“This change will alter public perception, and we won’t have to lower prices in the least. Think about it — you’ll feel better paying $28 for a pint of mouldy strawberries and a carton of milk if you imagine it’s from an airport kiosk.”
In the four years since the pandemic began, Loblaw stores have raised prices to never-before-seen heights, blaming inflation, despite seeing record profits.
“Most things I buy have doubled in priced just this year, and my salary has stayed the exact same,” said Martin Love, a Fredericton resident who mainly gets groceries at the Superstore on the north side. “They’ve added all these theft-prevention measures like those stupid gates at self-checkout, to make sure you feel like a criminal while you shop. They’ve shrunk the packaging and hoped we wouldn’t notice.
“And pretty soon I’m going to have to decide between rent and groceries — when does it end?”
“That’s the beautiful thing — it doesn’t!” said G.W. “We’re actually going to increase prices even more. But the redesign of many stores will make people think the value is there, and that’s what matters to our shareholders.”
Our reporter asked G.W. what the rebrand will look like when it takes effect.
“We’re putting a little airplane logo on things,” he said with a shrug. “That’s about it.”