New Brunswick — Amidst the most dangerous fire conditions seen in the last 20 years, the provincial government is placing a temporary ban on any activity that uses fire outside, including barbecuing and smoking.
“These are the driest conditions we’ve experienced in decades,” explained Caleb Finn, deputy for the Department of Natural Resources. “For safety reasons, we need to ensure that not so much as a match is lit outside for the next little while until we see a significant amount of rain come our way.”
Premier Brian Gallant met with reporters at the Dip Pool Bar on Thursday evening to discuss the ban and to explain that, while he’s not a fan of the new regulations, he must “take control of the fires before he’s the one being fired.”
“Guys, guys, guys — calm down!” he exclaimed, floating in an inflatable tube designed like the provincial flag. “I mean, who likes grilled boneless, skinless chicken breast more than this guy? No one, that’s who! I’m super bummed that I won’t be barbecuing anymore. Now I’ll have to let my chefs into my actual house to prepare my meals.”
The Manatee spoke with Fredericton firefighter Darlene Sherbert about the importance of the public’s adherence to the ban.
“Everyone needs to just chill out,” she said, seemingly proud of her pun about the heat. “Just use your oven, smoke in your house, light fireworks in your basement and keep your romantic, candlelit dinners within the confines of your kitchen — just do what you need to do to keep flames away from the outdoors. It’s really pretty simple.”
Our reporter asked Sherbert whether the recent conditions have made her job more difficult.
“Oh, for sure. We’ve gotten a lot less sleep at the station, we’ve been putting in extra hours and we even had to postpone our calendar shoot until things get back to normal. We’ve been so busy patrolling that we haven’t been able to respond to 911 calls at the rate we normally do. Thank God the police are still around — they’re the real heroes.”
The full list of banned activities can be seen below in a statement released by Gallant:
From the Office of the Premier:
Hey everyone! It’s Brian. How are you? I’m good, thanks. I hope you’re enjoying your summer as much as I am. Have you been watching Big Brother this year? I haven’t watched it in a few years, but this season is really good. You should totally catch up. All the episodes are on Rogers On Demand right now. Anywho — the reason I’m writing is to put a ban on all fire outside. I know. It sucks, right? Trust me, it’s not really what I wanted to do, but Horsey said it’d cost too much to make a giant sprinkler, so we’ll call this Plan B. I don’t really know the words to describe exactly what I need to say so I’ll just make a list of things you can’t do outside until I tell you it’s OK again. Later dudes! Vote Brian!
- Candles in the wind while listening to that Elton John song
- Holding up your lighter for an encore at an outdoor concert. Even if it’s a super cool show
- Dramatically lighting a match as if you’re about to light a gas station on fire like in the movies
- Starting a forest fire
- Recreating the opening scene from the old Mission Impossible TV show.
- Killing ants with a magnifying glass
- Having those cool cars where fire comes out the exhaust
- Using flamethrowers
- Spitting out hairspray into a lighter to make it look like you’re breathing fire
- Ummm…anything else that involves fire outside at all