New Brunswick — Married couples all across the province are filing for divorces in the wake of the Liberal government’s announcement last week that university will be free for students whose household income is under $60,000 annually. These parents are determined to help their kids qualify for free tuition, no matter the toll it takes on their personal lives.
“My husband and I will have been married for 35 years this May, and we’re still very much in love,” said Bathurst woman Marie Levesque. “But this tuition deal is too good to pass up. If we get divorced and only one of us takes the kids — who are both going to graduate high school soon — we’ll make two separate incomes of just over 30 grand each. No sacrifice is too big to make for our children.”
The Gallant government failed to foresee the possible negative impact on New Brunswick families of the free tuition deal.
“This is not what we had in mind at all,” said Gallant, nervously wiping beads of sweat from his perfect forehead. “I thought everyone would love me for being so generous, even if we don’t actually have the resources to pay for this latest crazy promise. I certainly never dreamed that this would mark the dissolution of practically every marriage in the province.”
The divorces are actually fuelling the economy in the form of attorneys’ salaries.
“My phone has been ringing off the hook,” boasted Bartholomew Wrigley, a Moncton-based divorce attorney. “I’ve never been busier, and it’s all thanks to the Liberals. I couldn’t have come up with this amazing plan in a million years.”
Future university students are having mixed feelings about their parents’ marriages coming to an abrupt end.
“On the one hand, I get to go to school for free, and not have tons of debt for the rest of my life like most older New Brunswickers,” said a confused Alicia Vandersloot, 17, of Fredericton. “On the other hand, my parents are getting divorced and I’ll only see my dad on weekends.
“But on the other-other hand, two Christmases!”