NB government to ban biking, not fracking

Fredericton — Finally, a new session of provincial legislature is upon us. Premier Gallant gave his first Throne Speech last Tuesday where he broke down his nomination platform for the literally dozens of people in attendance.

The ambitious new premier spoke on job creation, the hurting forestry industry, and said that he would “take a good, hard look at other things, too.” He made no mention however of a moratorium on fracking, insisting that he had never said he would impose such a thing. “Hold on a second here,” he said with a large smile gleaming across his face when asked about the moratorium. “You guys thought I said ‘fracking’? Oh, this is embarrassing — I was saying ‘biking’ all this time. Now I understand where all this confusion is coming from. To set the record straight, I’m imposing a moratorium on biking in New Brunswick.”

The premier tried to explain this suspension on biking to the confused onlookers. “It will really help our economy if we ban all biking. It will force more people to either buy a vehicle, or support public transportation. So, if they buy a car, that’s huge for us because they’ll have to pay more taxes and fees.” When asked about the implications of the moratorium for pollution and global warming, the premier was quick to put a positive spin on those normally bleak subjects. “There’s a ton of job creation right there! We need to hire more people to deal with all the messes we make. It’s a win-win.” Gallant refused to answer any more questions about the new moratorium during his speech.

Almost instantly, Twitter feeds were ignited with mixed reaction from the New Brunswick population.

@GuyfromNB wrote: “I think this is a fantastic idea. I won’t have to drive around all these stupid bikers in their tight shorts anymore. #sorrynotsorry”

@NBbikerbabe wrote: “This is terrible news for me and my 52 friends who like to bike together every weekend. #gallantsucks #letsalldressthesameandgobiking”

@IloveBrianG wrote: “Great idea. Great speech. Great hair. #dreamydoesntcutit #4moreyears #iloveubrian”

The Manatee spoke with Fredericton resident Lance Armstrong (not to be confused with the famously disgraced cyclist) about the sudden ban on biking, and he was none too impressed with the new premier. “This just sucks! I love being a cyclist. It’s what I do, it’s who I am. I changed my name, my life, and my attitude about life because of cycling. If he’s banning cycling, I’ll be moving somewhere else pretty quick.”

Josh Wood, owner of  local cycling supply store Biking Before Hiking, was of course worried about his job. “It’s not just me either,” he expressed angrily. “What about the dozens of other people who depend on this work? We won’t have a job if there’s no biking. I don’t know what I’ll do — probably move out west and do some bike work there I guess.”

The Gallant government was quick to put this ban in place and had street signs posted all over the capital city by the morning. The signs clearly show that there will be no more biking allowed, and the signs also suggest that the city may be exploring the introduction of a double-decker bus system so the 2 passengers who currently take the bus won’t be forced to sit on the same floor.