Parties prep for eBay bidding war over Conservatives' dropped 'Progressive'

Fredericton — Some young Tories in New Brunswick are looking to drop the word “Progressive” from their party’s name, and now other young people involved with the NDP, Green Party and Liberal Party are rushing to claim the coveted title.

“We’re really right-wing, and honestly we have no idea why the word ‘Progressive’ would ever have been tied to the Conservatives,” explained Alex Peters, a youth executive member of the Progressive Conservative Party of New Brunswick. “Maybe it’s some kind of holdover from when our party was looking to ‘change’ or ‘improve’ the political landscape in New Brunswick. Obviously these goals aren’t really on our radar and haven’t been for some time. So, let the other parties fight over it.”

Peters said dropping the word would better reflect reality. “We’re conservative in nature, not progressive — our name is essentially an oxymoron. As soon as we get rid of the word, we’re going to sell it on eBay to whatever hippie-dippie party wants it. And with that money we’ll be able to fund our next political campaign so we can overturn those damned Liberals.”

Those damned Liberals, along with their fearless and attractive leader, Premier Brian Gallant, are pooling their money in order to help outbid David Coon’s Green Party and Dominic Cardy’s NDP. “Just imagine how much cooler we’d sound as the ‘Progressive Liberals,'” said Gallant excitedly. “We’re already the most popular party in the province, but if we had an innovative, cutting-edge title like that, we’d be unstoppable.”

Cardy was unavailable for comment as he’s already hunkered down in his parents’ basement in front of the computer, ready to start bidding; David Coon, however, was more interested in a Manatee interview. “Oh man, ‘Progressive Green Party’ sounds soooo badass,” he said in Coffee and Friends this morning, surrounded by a group of his doting followers/admirers. “Hmm, maybe we could just call it ‘PGP’ for short? Yeah, that sounds super cool too — sounds like ‘PCP’… that’ll appeal to the youth … are the kids still into psychedelics?” Coon desperately glanced at the faces of his young groupies and was met with blank, confused looks.

PC members will vote on whether to drop the “Progressive” on May 23, but it’s pretty much a done deal, as far as this reporter can tell. If all goes according to plan, eBay bidding will open at midnight on the 24th. Peters said the Conservative Party is currently debating over replacements for the ditched word; possibilities being thrown around include “Orthodox,” “Conventional” and “Inflexible,” among others. The Manatee forgot to interview the People’s Alliance of New Brunswick until now and decided that it didn’t matter.

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