Souris — It was a significant day for the letters Q and U in the kindergarten classroom at Souris Regional School yesterday, where Progressive Conservative MLA Robin Croucher officiated a wedding between two five-year-old students representing the famous star-crossed letters.
Though preparations for the wedding began months ago, it was nearly called off early yesterday morning when it became clear that not all of the ceremony’s T’s had been crossed, nor I’s dotted.
“Our class had chosen the letter J to officiate, but at the eleventh hour, it came to our attention that J was not officially ordained by the province of PEI because of the provisions of Bill 69, commonly known as the ‘Don’t say J’ law,” said Souris Regional kindergarten teacher Kevin Crawford. “Therefore, the wedding would have been null and void. We wanted to make the ceremony as official as possible so that our students would understand the fundamentals of traditional marriage: one man, one woman, and ensuring government involvement in matters of the heart.”
That lesson was driven home in an unexpected way when the 911 call was placed at 9:33 a.m. by Souris Regional principal Tanya Broccolini, searching for an ordained minister to preside over the child marriage.
“The 911 operator said that not only did she have an ordained minister working as a paramedic who was available for weddings that morning, but he was also a member of the legislative assembly,” said Broccolini. “I couldn’t believe our luck.”
PC MLA Croucher says he was thrilled to receive the call. “With emergency rooms operating well over capacity across the crumbling ruins of the PEI health system, it forces paramedics to drive around in circles while waiting for hospital space for our patients to become available. Getting to preside over an ancient Judeo-Christian ritual joining one male and one female letter together in holy matrimony was a welcome diversion for both me and my very patient patients.”
Local drag performer Victoria Row, who famously had to cancel a drag queen storytime at the King’s Playhouse in Georgetown last year due to protests from right-wing groups online, was in disbelief that the ceremony was going ahead unchecked. “They came for me, saying that I was grooming their children, when here they have literally dressed their child up as a groom,” she posted on X, the platform still known as Twitter. “Who is the REAL alphabet mafia here?”
The bride’s aunt, a resident of Iqaluit, had sent a niqab for the occasion but was told by Public Schools Branch officials that the use of the garment would not fit their lesson plan.