PEI to spray entire province with sunscreen

Charlottetown — In order to fight the heat wave and give Islanders some feeling of safety in the burning sun, the provincial government plans to use crop dusters to spray the entire island with SPF 50 sunscreen. Spraying is intended to start this coming weekend.

“It’s a very…different plan,” said Raquel Simmons, spokesperson for the P.E.I. division of the Canadian Cancer Society, “but if it works we may help Islanders fight melanoma.”

For the plan to be effective, all Islanders will need to be outside during spraying — which is why it’s being done during the long weekend.

“People will be outside anyway, so even if they somehow don’t get word of it through the media, they’ll likely catch some of the sunscreen accidentally,” Simmons continued. “But I have been told that the government is taking every step to ensure people are aware it’s going on; after all, it’s important that none of the sunscreen gets into people’s eyes.”

An alarm — audible to the entire province — will sound as the initial flyby takes place, and when residents hear it, they are encouraged to run outside and bask in the white spray for as long as possible.

“We are making sure we do NOT use Banana Boat as it’s been found to cause blistering,” said Premier Wade MacLauchlan, “especially in the quantity we plan to use.”

The idea for the mass spraying came to MacLauchlan in a fever dream he had the other night, as his air conditioner is broken.

“I have plenty of other ideas to reduce the heat, all of which came to me during dreams. For instance, what if we were to paint every manmade object on P.E.I. white, to deflect light?” he asked. “But that would take some time, and right now we’re mainly focussed on the short-term reduction of discomfort. So my best advice is to get outside this weekend — planes will be flying by several times to make sure everyone gets an even coat.

“Best of luck!”