Potato-related gang violence on the rise in Maritimes

New Brunswick — The age-old PEI-New Brunswick potato feud is becoming increasingly more violent. Since the October 2014 discovery of sewing needles in Islanders’ potatoes and the massive recall that followed, both sides of the war are said to have been gearing up.

With more needles recently being found in Prince Edward Island potatoes, the public’s confidence in their own safety is said to be at an all-time low. “Now is the time to strike,” said a New Brunswick gangster who requested to remain anonymous. “People are starting to realize that the best-tasting — and might I add the safest — potatoes in the world come from right here in New Brunswick/Nouveau-Brunswick.”

The PEI potato mob boss, known only as Spuds, is not taking the affair lightly. Aerial surveillance around the borders of both provinces revealed that cannons are being set up along each coast. “Now we have to remember where we are,” said RCMP spokesperson David Longwell. “This is the Maritimes, after all. I’d just like to make it clear that there is no real danger involved in this ‘war.’ In fact, the violence that was reported was merely a bar fight between a few Islanders and a few in-landers, and the cause is yet to be determined.

“The cannons set up along the borders are actually just homemade potato guns, and so far none of them have successfully shot farther than 60 metres.” With the Confederation Bridge being just under 13 kilometres long, “It’s going to take a lot more than hairspray and stale-whiskey breath to get a potato across the Northumberland Strait,” Longwell said.

There have been no reports of fatalities yet, and other than countless potatoes washing up on each shore, there have been no real complaints. Police were initially worried that the war might expand, fearing an international crisis if Idaho potato farmers decided to get involved, but the threat of having to pay for their healthcare has appeared to deter them.

As it stands, there is no end in sight for the Tater Missile Crisis, but authorities expect the feud to be forgotten as soon as the ponds thaw and fishing season opens.