Fredericton — Capital city psychologists are meeting next week to develop a strategy to deal with their dwindling clientele. After some digging, Dr. Morris Kleene, whose practice is based uptown, determined the cause of the rapid decline in the professionals’ patient base.
“I was reading through my Facebook news-feed, trying to keep up on current affairs in the city, when I saw that a friend of a friend replied to an anonymous post on ‘Fredericton Confessions,'” Dr. Kleene explained. “Curiosity got the better of me, so I clicked through. What I discovered is a plethora of advice from a vast panel of self-taught experts.”
Dr. Kleene took his discovery to local colleagues, who were shocked and outraged that this service is offered free of charge. Dr. Lawrence Billings shared his concerns that their careers may be endangered.
“It doesn’t seem to matter what the issue, instantly there is access to answers, advice, and even diagnoses!” he exclaimed. “One thread concerning habitual cheating led a commenter to diagnose the gentleman within seconds. It took me years to study the DSM-IV Codes, but Joe Blow off the street was able to diagnose right off the top of his head with: ‘You sir, are a douche!’ How can we compete with this?”
Reporters contacted an anonymous poster to the Fredericton Confessions page who was willing to offer some insight into why this service has become so popular, particularly among the unemployed demographic.
“Well holy frig guys, I can sit there in my pajama pants and when a life-altering decision comes my way, bam, Fredericton Confessions is right there for me with solid advice!” he explained. “No appointment needed, no money needed, heck, no pants needed! I just skim through the comments until I find a suggestion I like and I run with it. And that suggestion usually means I have to make another post the next day, but whatever, they all have my back.”
Dr. Kleene fears that if word gets out that this service exists, his profession will become obsolete. On the agenda for the upcoming meeting is to see if a partnership can be created between the psychologists and Fredericton Confessions, thus returning therapy to a fee-for-service model.