Moncton — It was last Monday when Moncton resident Doris Sanchez suffered a great ordeal by having to trail behind a cyclist for a lengthy 700 metres.
Like many other drivers this winter, Sanchez, 69, experienced firsthand the dangers of the two-wheeled fiends. “They [cyclists] are so hazardous… I was just trying to speed through a yellow light when this idiot decided to use MY road lane,” she tweeted while making an illegal left turn.
According to several of Sanchez’s followers, winter cyclists should be banned from using any public roads, claiming that they are “too slow,” thus a danger to those in vehicles wanting to pass them on a solid yellow line. “IT’S CALLED A SPEED LIMIT,” commented @bigboi_nutz, “EITHER GO ABOVE IT BY 30 KM/H OR GET OFF THE ROAD, PEASANTS.”
As for the controversial Ellen’s Law, many are strongly opposed to such a demanding compromise. “You give ’em an inch, they want a freaking metre,” Yvon Nielsen told The Manatee. “These helmet-wearing, baguette-in-a-basket-carrying nerds need to learn how to respect us real drivers’ rights and not take up so much damn space,” he finished while taking up two parking spaces by parking his unregistered car diagonally.
When asked how to minimize the dangers of cyclist-motor vehicle collisions, Sanchez had an inspiring and revolutionary suggestion: “Just don’t drive your bikes when there’s snow! Use a car!”
When The Manatee informed cyclists of her proposal, they were dumbfounded by the ingenious idea. “Holy shit there, Doris!” cried one. “I never thought of that one! Here I was, in denial this whole time. Thank you!”