Riverview — Fresh from tabling a new bylaw mandating that lawns be kept no higher than 20 centimetres, the Town of Riverview is now preparing to take its private property supervision duties to a whole new level.
Acting as the new enforcement arm of the neighbourhood busybodies, Riverview bylaw officers are ready to start doling out fines and punishment for lawn-related offences. They are reportedly in their vehicles with engines idling, waiting to be dispatched to enforce proper grass blade length.
“Honestly these officers don’t really have any meaningful work to do…it’s not like they’re ‘real’ officers you know,” confessed town spokesperson Morgan Gazon. “They are just bored folks jonesing for a power trip. Their entire job revolves around hassling people for petty bullshit. We are delighted to have the opportunity to now have them running around measuring people’s lawns.
“Last night I went out to Staples — which is somehow still in business — and bought some rulers for the guys and gals,” Gazon continued. “They are ready to go as soon as the bylaw is official. First offence is a warning, second offence is a big fine, and if that doesn’t work, we’ll see how those lazy suckers feel about a couple of days in jail. They will comply…or else.”
The new bylaw was inspired by the repeated daily complaints of retiree Calvin O’Donnell. O’Donnell wasn’t available for an interview when contacted, but his wife agreed to outline his concerns.
“Calvin can’t come to the door right now,” she said. “He’s busy sitting in the back yard in a lawn chair staring at the neighbour’s lawn. He does that about 10 hours per day…he swears that he can see it growing. By the end of the day, he’s so angry that his face is bright purple. I think he’s obsessed — I hope they cut it before he has a stroke!”
As she finished her comment, a man wailed from the backyard, “WHY CAN’T THEY JUST CUT IT FOR GOD’S SAKE! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THOSE ANIMALS?”
“We’re just getting started!” vowed Mayor Ann Seamans. “After we crack down on lawns, we are going to tackle driveways. People aren’t keeping them enough neat either. The Town is going to pass another bylaw mandating that they be vacuumed weekly.
“Also, we’re going to start weekly dandelion counts. We’ll have to free up some of the officers who are on stakeouts to catch people not scooping their dogs’ poop, but we are ‘all-in’ on this.”