Stephen Harper’s band announces world tour

Fredericton — Stephen Harper’s band, the Van Cats, have finally received the opportunity they’ve been waiting for, and it looks like they’re going to seize it.

Margaret Dent, the founder of the Van Cats fan page and self-proclaimed “biggest Harper fan ever,” caught up with The Manatee after Justin Trudeau’s majority seat was announced. “Well first thing I did was call Stevie [Harper], and all I can say is he sounded more relieved than sour about it. He always told me how this whole prime minister phase he was going through was only temporary until his band finally caught its big break.”

The Van Cats’ name is a pun on the French pronunciation of the number 24, which is the street address of the prime minister’s home on Sussex Drive in Ottawa. Since Stephen Harper, the former prime minister of Canada as well as the band’s lead on keyboard and vocals, will now be leaving the residence, rumours of a name change to The Cool Hip Cats or The Harperholics have begun circulating.

“I think we finally have our shot,” Harper was quoted as saying after the election Monday. “Our band certainly has depth; I’ve even compared myself to other greats like Elton John and Billy Joel. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t think we’ll ever reach the legendary heights of Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd, but hey, if I can be one of the top 30 greatest prime ministers of all time, why can’t I have a top 30 band too?”

The Van Cats, pending a name change, say their tour will begin in Eastern Canada, with stops in New Brunswick. Their aim is to be booed out of at least one concert in every province and territory before taking their talents to the United States and eventually across Europe.

“I’m very confident,” Harper said of his singing ability, which has been likened to that of an asthmatic pelican. “I bring something new to the table — I just hope fans don’t mind paying the $3,000 we’re charging per ticket to help cover our personal budgets.”