Saint John — Premier Brian Gallant announced Tuesday that the Liberal Party will be investing over $20 million toward building a new school in the Port City. This comes shortly after the announcement that Havelock and Seawood Elementary Schools will not be reopening this September, joining St. Patrick’s Elementary, which was closed last year due to structural problems.
Education minister Serge Rousselle is spearheading the project, which he says is already well into development. “I’ve been planning how I would make my own school ever since I was a young boy,” said an excited Rousselle, “so I’ve given it quite a bit of thought.”
Among Rousselle’s proposed changes are elevators that go upside down, holographic textbooks, and chalkboards that would allow for classroom-to-classroom teleportation.
He opened the tentative building plan on a blueprint that he had crudely drawn in blue crayon. “Over here, we will have a thermonuclear reactor, and in this room we’ll have our cryogenic rest pods, and over there will be our 2-room teachers’ lounge,” he said, before stopping himself. “Oh, but I’ve already said too much!”
Rousselle assured Manatee reporters that he is not only concerned with educational advancements, but that he is also investing in better safety regulations and equipment because, as he says, “safety must always come first.”
“We’ll have foam pencils, bulletproof windows and, uh, a self-destruct button in every classroom! Also, we’ll ensure that the entire building is flame-retardant …” he said. “Uh, wait, sorry … I mean to say ‘flame-challenged.’”
The project as received a great deal of blow-back from the public, with many believing that closing the 3 schools will have a profoundly negative effect on their children’s education, and that Rousselle’s so-called “innovations” are totally unfeasible.
“Some are saying that all this money and power has made me go mad …HA! I say,” he said, extending his index finger over his head. “Why the hell would I be mad about being given $22 million dollars? I think it’s great!”
Although no location or start date for the construction of the school has been officially confirmed, Rousselle says he hopes to start construction in the year 1773, and have the school suspended 30 feet above Scotland.
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