University student reveals to partygoers that music ‘is the only thing that really matters in the world’

Moncton – Fellow revellers reported Friday that after about the fourth hour of a downtown party, a friend of a friend who crashed the place suddenly explained to the dwindling guests that “music is the only thing that matters in the world, you know?”

“I think her name was Amber? I’m not sure, but I saw her come in with my friend Brad, and then she just started philosophizing while sitting on the floor, drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon,” said host Becka Carleson.

“Everything was winding down, and then she just dropped that on us – I mean, as someone who doesn’t know that much about music, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? I’m already majoring in economics, and it’s too late in the year to switch to the only important subject there is.”

Another guest, second-year civil engineering student at Université de Moncton, Corey Keller, was distraught to learn that his life up to this point had been a complete waste.

“I thought Amber was pretty cool, and I guess I still do, but it’s just a shock when the scales fall from your eyes and you see the truth about the universe, and in one moment find out what philosophers have been searching for over centuries,” he said with a shaking voice and teary eyes. “My parents are going to be pissed, but I think I’m going to drop out of school and become a street performer.”

The Manatee caught up with Amber the next day at a Café Cognito, where she was reading Kant’s The Critique of Pure Reason and sipping a chai latte, while taking a selfie. “Oh, last night?” she said, tapping her scuffed Uggs against a chair leg. “I dunno, I was pretty drunk and I had a little MDMA in my system. What did I say?”

  1. Was it Amber? I was sure it was Crystal.

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