Saint John — CBC New Brunswick reported today that the Dennis Oland murder retrial cost taxpayers about $930,000. Now, every resident of the province is spewing out their thoughts on more appropriate uses for that kind of cash.
So, to jump on the bandwagon, here are our top 10 ideas for how that money could have been better spent. Hindsight is 20/20, after all.
- Narrowing bike lanes: Let’s face it — we’re all sick of cyclists, with their annoying arm gestures they expect everyone to understand and their skin-tight shorts that leave nothing to the imagination. We should have used that $930K to remove or at least narrow all the bike lanes. Teach ’em a lesson.
- Adding an extension to the Brookside Mall: This “shopping centre” on Fredericton’s north side needs more space. Or more stores. Or more patrons. It sure as hell needs something, anyway.
- Cutting down the remaining ash trees before the ash borer gets them first: It costs money to pay JDI to clear-cut, and we could have gotten rid of every last ash tree in way less time than it took to buy an innocent verdict for Dennis Oland. Cutting down the trees before they’re destroyed by beetles is kind of like saying “You can’t break up with me, because I’m breaking up with you!” to your girlfriend. It would be nice to come out on top of something, for once.
- Paying Blaine Higgs and Kris Austin to kiss on live TV: It’s kind of gross, but at the same time we kind of want to see it, too. Is that so wrong? People are into a lot weirder shit than that.
- Giving every New Brunswicker about $1.22: We did the math, and if you divide the retrial costs by the 2018 population, each person in the province would receive a little more than a dollar. We could have each used that for maybe…45 minutes of parking downtown.
- Buying a bunch of Moosehead: And while we had the calculator app open, we figured we should calculate how much Moosehead or Alpine that amount of moula could buy. According to the NB Liquor website, a 2-4 of Moose Light goes for $36.99. That means each bottle is about $1.54. Which means roughly 494,294 bottles of delicious Moosehead beer could have been enjoyed by New Brunswickers far and wide. What. A. Waste.
- Creating a new position for Brian Gallant: We should all feel bad about how that whole thing ended. The poor young guy just wanted to help our province, and instead we elected an evil old man to run the show. We don’t even know what Brian’s up to these days…probably moping around the house, driving Karine up the wall. But we’re pretty sure he needs a job.
- Providing electricity to Bathurst: This one has been a long time coming. Bathurst — or “the city that time forgot” — is the only region in New Brunswick to have never known the joys of flipping on a lightswitch, or watching TV without a generator, or microwaving a McCain® Pizza Pocket. We could have finally sent some power their way. But no, we had to hold another trial for a guy whose innocence or guilt basically doesn’t matter.
- Building another parking garage in Saint John: While there are currently 10 parking lots uptown, and yes, they remain mostly empty, there’s just not enough parking. Contrary to facts and stats, we know that Saint John is a bustling metropolis and we simply can’t get enough real estate for our cars. If you don’t believe us, just ask Don Darling.
- Holding a province-wide pizza party: You know how at work, when the boss wants to show appreciation to employees, but doesn’t want to waste much money, you get a pizza party in the break room that takes place during lunch? Well imagine that, but like, way better! We’re thinking name-brand pop, definitely garlic fingers, and maybe even a make-your-own-sundae bar! That would probably boost morale in New Brunswick without putting us into more debt, especially if we just got Greco or something.
Of course, it’s too late now for all of these ideas, but wouldn’t it have been nice?