Saint John — CBC New Brunswick reported today that the Dennis Oland murder retrial cost taxpayers about $930,000. Now, every resident of the province is spewing out their thoughts on more appropriate uses for that kind of cash.
So, to jump on the bandwagon, here are our top 10 ideas for how that money could have been better spent. Hindsight is 20/20, after all.
- Narrowing bike lanes: Let’s face it — we’re all sick of cyclists, with their annoying arm gestures they expect everyone to understand and their skin-tight shorts that leave nothing to the imagination. We should have used that $930K to remove or at least narrow all the bike lanes. Teach ’em a lesson.
- Adding an extension to the Brookside Mall: This “shopping centre” on Fredericton’s north side needs more space. Or more stores. Or more patrons. It sure as hell needs something, anyway.
- Cutting down the remaining ash trees before the ash borer gets them first: It costs money to pay JDI to clear-cut, and we could have gotten rid of every last ash tree in way less time than it took to buy an innocent verdict for Dennis Oland. Cutting down the trees before they’re destroyed by beetles is kind of like saying “You can’t break up with me, because I’m breaking up with you!” to your girlfriend. It would be nice to come out on top of something, for once.
- Paying Blaine Higgs and Kris Austin to kiss on live TV: It’s kind of gross, but at the same time we kind of want to see it, too. Is that so wrong? People are into a lot weirder shit than that.
- Giving every New Brunswicker about $1.22: We did the math, and if you divide the retrial costs by the 2018 population, each person in the province would receive a little more than a dollar. We could have each used that for maybe…45 minutes of parking downtown.
- Buying a bunch of Moosehead: And while we had the calculator app open, we figured we should calculate how much Moosehead or Alpine that amount of moula could buy. According to the NB Liquor website, a 2-4 of Moose Light goes for $36.99. That means each bottle is about $1.54. Which means roughly 494,294 bottles of delicious Moosehead beer could have been enjoyed by New Brunswickers far and wide. What. A. Waste.
- Creating a new position for Brian Gallant: We should all feel bad about how that whole thing ended. The poor young guy just wanted to help our province, and instead we elected an evil old man to run the show. We don’t even know what Brian’s up to these days…probably moping around the house, driving Karine up the wall. But we’re pretty sure he needs a job.
- Providing electricity to Bathurst: This one has been a long time coming. Bathurst — or “the city that time forgot” — is the only region in New Brunswick to have never known the joys of flipping on a lightswitch, or watching TV without a generator, or microwaving a McCain® Pizza Pocket. We could have finally sent some power their way. But no, we had to hold another trial for a guy whose innocence or guilt basically doesn’t matter.
- Building another parking garage in Saint John: While there are currently 10 parking lots uptown, and yes, they remain mostly empty, there’s just not enough parking. Contrary to facts and stats, we know that Saint John is a bustling metropolis and we simply can’t get enough real estate for our cars. If you don’t believe us, just ask Don Darling.
- Holding a province-wide pizza party: You know how at work, when the boss wants to show appreciation to employees, but doesn’t want to waste much money, you get a pizza party in the break room that takes place during lunch? Well imagine that, but like, way better! We’re thinking name-brand pop, definitely garlic fingers, and maybe even a make-your-own-sundae bar! That would probably boost morale in New Brunswick without putting us into more debt, especially if we just got Greco or something.
Of course, it’s too late now for all of these ideas, but wouldn’t it have been nice?
Suk it up !! Taxpayers love the drama:the series,drama,waste of money on salaries he says,she said,pompous bastards then splurge bug luncheons fine cuisine paid for by single parents struggling middle class and rewarded with a night of Halloween frapzed up windbags,saying I told ya so. in Ottawa,quarrelling amongst themselves,bullshit served with whipped creme boosts immune system truly but clogs the memory for discerning our needs.with the part of the brain of London fog it MAYE come down to the frig up of the Fukland islands ,Thatcher style and only recourse now is that THE BLACK HOLE is million times bigger than our earth , GLOBAL WARMING WONT HAPPEN CAUSE HOT AIR FROM BOSTON BEANS AND POLITICAL CORRECTNESS WILL BE SUKED INTO THE EONS OF ETERNITY FILLING HELLS DEMONC HOST WHICH BY HIS ARSE US SEATED IN WASHINGTON,LITTLE BABYLON.. HENCE ,SOME KISTRESS SCIRNED IN SAINT JOHN OR SOME ALLEY CAT WHO RICHARD WAS SOLELY GOOD TO IN DONATIONS : HE SAYS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH TAKE YOUR TENT AND GET IT OUT OF HERE I M DONE AND THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE AND FOR A FEW BUCKS HE WAS TYE SACRIFICIAL LAMB AND ON THAT IERSOS DEATH BED HE WILL SAY WHAT A BUNCH OF ARSEHOLES IN N B . OH MY GOD I STILL DONT FEEL REMORSE.
DENNIS WAS JUDGED AND OF MY OWN LIFE S EXPERIENCE WITH THE LAW OT WAS GODDAMNABLE AND ANONST THE CLERGY BEING SILENT FUELED THE GUILT OF THE PROVINCE, SURE HESUS EAS UP IN THE GARDRN WUTH 12 MEN GAY OR STRAIGHT WE DONT KNOW AND TGEN TOPS OT OFF WITH THE WHORE AT THE WELL MYSTIFIED ON HOW MANY HUSBANDS SHE HAD.. JESUS SAID, LOVINGLY :SURE MAUD:, THR OE YA GOT NOT ISN’T: OH MY GOD SHE SEZ YOURE RIGHT ON MASTER.I LL VOTE FOR YOU,I SURE WILL
HE SMIJED THINGING I DONT NEED HER TO DEFINE ME AND SAID HONEY GO BUT DONT SIN AGAIN.
SO WE NEED TO HUG THIS GREAT DENNIS, INNONCENT AS THE PURE DRIVEN SNOW. I SEZ JESUS: HE SAID WAT ? I SEZ THEY WILL BURN IN HELL LIKE TAR BUCKETS BUYI HOPE WE ALL WILL SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR DENNIS TONIGHT , OH MY GOD IT MAKES ME SHIVER,YET JOYFULLY!!
OR LIGHT A CANDLE OH MY GOD LIKE BLOWIN IN DA WIND BUT IF IN CHURCH PUT ONE UNDER THE PRIEST SMOCK AND LET HIM HEAT UP AND HE LL PREACH HELL N BRIMSTONE AND FANATICAL FIRE DAMNATION TO ACCUSERS WHO JUDGE WITH NO EVIDENCE TO PROVE GUILT. MARS IS LOOKING GOOD NOW .
TWO MEN BEHIND PRISON BARS, ONE SAW MUD THE OTHER STARS.