New Brunswick — Bald eagles are taking ownership of their iconic image and flocking to Canada in search of a new home and identity.
“No one asked us in the first place if we wanted to be the symbol of the USA, and now it’s quite honestly an embarrassment,” said Ethan Eagle, originally from Florida but now seeking permanent residency in New Brunswick.
“It’s an honour to be symbolic for the indigenous peoples of Turtle Island,” he went on, “and kind of cool to have a ‘70s rock band named after us. We don’t even mind the condensed milk. What’s not to like about a key ingredient in delicious sweet treats?
“But we’re not going to stand for our image being used to represent a bunch of megalomaniac meat-head ‘Merkans who are intent on destroying democracy, DEI and so much more. That just doesn’t vibe with our personal brand at all.”
“I have claw fatigue from holding those 13 arrows all these centuries,” Elmer Eagle shared with The Manatee. “When did you ever see an eagle carrying weapons? You’re much more likely to see me carrying a bunch of fiddleheads, or a tasty Miramichi salmon!”
Francophone eagles are feeling right at home in their newly adopted home in New Brunswick by the sea. “At last, a home where my language is official,” Denis Daigle the Aigle told us, from his new home in Shediac. “It’s such a relief to be able to buy a drink in AlcoolNB and be served in the official language of my choice. Those Service NB folks are very nice too,” he added (in Chiac).
Along with Canadian citizenship, the eagles are adopting a whole new look in their search for a new identity. Among those interviewed by The Manatee were eagles with cornrows, bouffants and mullets. “We’re breaking away from ‘bald,’” said Ernie Eagle, who we interviewed in his new home in Minto. “Don’t call me an American Bald Eagle; I’m a proud Canadian Comb-Over Eagle now.”
Photo by Peter K Burian, used under Wikimedia Commons CC 4.0 License