Fredericton — Wintry weather is wearing thin for most Maritime couples, who have spent the last several months on the couch watching TV and wishing for warmer days. For one Fredericton couple, the zest for life has dwindled away long ago, and been replaced with apathy and a craving for junk food.
“I’m just mentally willing him to suggest we tear into those chips, so that way it’s not my fault we’re being unhealthy for the millionth night in a row,” said Sarah Oldeville, of her boyfriend of five years Luke Ferguson. “I’m also crossing my fingers that he’ll say maybe we should skip the gym today, but for sure go tomorrow, or maybe the day after that.”
“I’m done moving my body until at least May, but I’m sure not going to be the one to admit defeat,” Ferguson told us. “If someone’s gonna say we should skip the workout it’s not me. She’s already lording it over me that I ate a whole bag of Mrs. Dunster’s sugar crescents and she only had one. Like she’s this bastion of health and well-being.
“But it was already Thursday…I’ve eaten so bad this week I thought I might as well just finish ‘er off strong.”
After work today Ferguson and Oldeville are planning a wild night of lying under blankets, wearing sweatpants and debating whether to watch 10 episodes of The Office on Netflix or the entire first season of Dirty John.
“We’ll definitely watch all of both — who are we kidding? — but he’d better suggest we polish off the Chicago mix and have into that Deep ‘n Delicious cake, or else,” Oldeville told our reporter. “We both know we’re going to eat it, but we’re not sure when, or which of us will crack first. And while he’s up he’d better offer me a beer, and pour it for me. That way I can convince myself I wouldn’t have been drinking at all if it weren’t for his bad ideas.
“What’s the point of having a boyfriend if you can’t blame all your poor choices on him?”
At press time, both Oldeville an Ferguson were silently planning to eat enough to be too bloated for sex.